myself

feels good to have found myself once again.

not the myself who claims to be happy and strong.

but the real me finally.

this is the way life should be.

Back

Hello once again.

It's been so long since i last saw you.

I lost you... a long long time ago.

But finally... i''ve found you once again.

Picking you up once again.

Why did you go away for so long?

How did i even let go of you?

It doesnt matter now.

All that matters is that you're back.

Welcome back...

Welcome back Julian...

The last piece of the jigsaw...

Without You - Subbed English Lyrics ( Thanks to AkichanMapleVanilla from Youtube )

X JAPAN - Without You (the night of Destruction Ver.)
Lyrics & Music by YOSHIKI


歩き疲れた 夜にたたずむ
Aruki tsukareta Yoru ni tatazumu
I'm tired of walking and standing in the night

流れる涙を 記憶に重ねて
Nagareru namida o kioku ni Kasanete
I cover my memory with flowing tears

出会いの数だけ 別れはあるけど
Deai no kazu dake Wakare wa arukedo
The number of meeting makes the same number of separation, but

限りない時が続くと信じてた
Kagirinai toki ga tuduku to shinjiteta
I believed that limitless time goes on

傷つけ合った言葉さえ　今は抱きしめ
Kizutsuke atta kotoba sae Ima ha dakishime
Now I embrace even words which hurt each other

振り返るだけ
Furikaerudake
And I only look back

I feel alone...

How should I love you

How could I feel you

Without you...

数え切れない思い出が時間を 埋めつくす
Kazoekire nai omoide ga jikan o umetsukusu
Innumerable memories fill up the time

貴方を愛して　貴方に傷ついて
Anata o aishite anata ni kizutsuite
I loved you, and I was hurt by you

愛という言葉の　深さに気付いた
Ai to iu kotoba no fukasa ni kizuita
I realized the depth of the word 'LOVE'.

I Still remember

答えのない明日に 夢を求めていた日々を
Kotae no nai ashita ni yume o motomete ita hibi o
The days when I searched answerless tomorrow for a dream

限りなく広がる空に もう一度 生まれた意味 今を生きる意味を 問い掛けて...
Kagirinaku hirogaru sora ni mou ichido Umareta imi ima o ikiru imi o toikakete...
I ask the sky which expands boundlessly meaning of birth, meaning of living now Again...

How should I love you

How could I feel you

Without you...

終わりのない愛の詩を　今貴方に...
Owari no nai Ai no uta o ima anata ni...
the endless poem of ''LOVE'',(I'll dedicate it) to you now...

Let me find it once again.

Truth

The truth is always cruel and hard to swallow.

It's one helluva bitter pill.

But sooner or later...

You'll be forced to take it.

And wake up from your dreams.

背叛 - Betray My very own english translation ( Bleah i know my english sux )

Verse 1
雨 不停落下来 花 怎麼都不开
尽管我细心灌溉 你说不爱就不爱 我一个人 欣赏悲哀

Verse 2
爱 只剩下无奈 我 一直不愿再去猜
钢琴上黑键之间 永远都夹著空白 缺了一块 就不精采

Chorus
紧紧相依的心如何Say goodbye 你比我清楚还要我说明白
爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢 我用背叛自己 完成你的期盼

把手放开不问一句 Say goodbye 当作最後一次对你的溺爱
冷冷清清淡淡今後都不管 只要你能愉快

Verse 3
心 有一句感慨 我 还能够跟谁对白
在你关上门之前 替我再回头看看 那些片段 还在不在

ok... now for my english translation

Verse 1
Why doesnt the rain stop?
Why don't the flowers bloom anymore?
Even though my heart tries so hard to fill you with love,
You said you didn't love me anymore.
Leaving me all alone,
I could only drown in sadness

Verse 2
All that's left are the regrets of our love.
I'm not willing to continue playing the guessing game.
In between the black keys of the piano,
Keys of emptiness forever reside.
If one goes missing,
It'll lose it's brilliance.

Chorus
How could two hearts linked together so closely... even bear to say goodbye?
How could you, who knows more clearly than me, ask me to explain it all?
Falling so deeply in love,
Will only lead to blind, reckless courage.
Once again, i betray myself
To fulfill your expectations

Letting go of each other's hand, you never even said goodbye.
Take it as if it is the last time i'm loving you.
No matter how cold it becomes,
No matter how long it takes for the feelings to fade.
All i want...
is for you to be happy.

Verse 3
My heart is feeling flustered.
Who can i convey these feelings to?
Before you close the door on me,
Look back on my behalf.
All that we've been through,
do they still exist in your heart?

Space

Space.



Within. Without.

How much is too much space?

How little is too little space?

A hole that's so big.

Fallen in so deep.



A hole that's filled.

Regrets, Tears, Joy, Laughter, Pain, Sadness.

And the shadow that will never ever go away.

The shadow that brings back the warmth.

The shadow that brings back the memories.



A hole that's so enduring.

Struggle to get out? Or be embraced?

What'll be there outside the hole?

Will there be warmth? Will there be nice memories?

Can it ever reach the level of the feelings for the hole?



A hole that seems so big.

Yet leaves so little space for all else.



A hole which has occupied a big space within the heart.

A void so protected.



Seems like so much to fill up.

But... can it be filled?

A Space which leaves so little Space.

The laughter of the fates are ringing once again.

Turn Back The Pendulum - Inspired by the chapter's title from Bleach

Turn back the Pendulum.

Tock. Tock. Tock. Tock.

The deafening sound permeates the air.

Didn't i notice it all along?

I try. Nothing.

I try harder. Still nothing.

Denying pain, denying my very own pride, denying the truth.

I just refuse to accept it.

I keep going... and going...

But where will i end up eventually?

Would it have been better if the Pendulum were not set in motion in the first place?

But it has.

Now i can only hear the melody playing out it's story.

What awaits at the end of the melody?

A beautiful melody filled with pain and laughter? Or will it just slowly fade away eventually...

No matter what...

The Pendulum still stands where it was all along.

Quote from Alan's blog.

"To love someone is nothing. To be loved by someone is something. To love and be loved by someone is everything"

wooottoooo zutttoooo

wah. been a long time since i really drank. got somewhat tipsy at the bar/lounge wateva... then lol thanks to the rest who made my night... especially since i'd been feeling down recently. although supposed to just accompany my frd... and i said that i wouldnt drink... end up drinking, playing dice, karaoke... and on top of that ... the "funny stuff" they try to do to me ... haha....thanks for everything guys :D

about the "funny stuff"... actually i'm really sober. just that i got a little high. but haha... not high enuf to make me go all the way. nice try guys. next time maybe. lol. felt a bit good. but no no ~ lol. just cannot do it. hyuk hyuk hyuk.

die. i'm still feeling high now. makes me feel like doing some crazy stuff. think the alcohol is finally kicking in after a few hours. maybe now if u asked me to do the "funny stuff", i'ld jsut whack liao and dun care and kill it off.

wheeeeeeeee. siao liaoz. lots of random thoughts now.

thanks to the people who've been around when i was feeling down. your presence alone made me feel better. just cant express enuf gratitude.

and lol... thinking back about this week. i think i've really been a bastard. especially after crossing the line emotionally. just didnt manage to climb back. let all the small small stuff affect me when normally it just wouldnt.

bleahz. my parents got me a new chinese name. which i ABSOLUTELY ABHOR. it's unofficial though.... the new chinese name wont be seen on my IC. and it FREAKING SOUNDS LIKE A GIRL'S NAME. SO NO NO NO ~!!! i die die also wont adopt that.

and tonight i was just thinking. fuck it. why hold back. want to do something ~ just do it !!! be happy !!! why the hell hold yourself back ! just do anything to make urself feel good. i happy then can make others happy also. i sad will only make others sad. wheee..... think i've crossed back onto the light side again. or maybe it's just the alcohol making me feel high. hopefully when i wake up tomorrow i'll still be feeling all good. suddenly everything seems so positive now. must be the alcohol.

haha...think my posts making no sense already. the influence of the alcohol slowly kicking in... chivas regal >.<" . actually only drink little little + super a lot of mixer cause i can't hold my alcohol... end up due to the "unforseen" circumstances from the "funny stuff" ...ended up whacking so much for my standards. die.

i wonder if the next time i try that "funny stuff" again... how far would i go... especially if i really do push my limits of alcohol...think it's all up to the rest of my buddies to sabo me... wahahahaha

ok typing a lot. super a lot. long post. long time since i last post liao. haha...

and whee ~ singing "bei pan" by cao ge... felt really good. super super super good. haha...

and die. still need to wake up relatively early. now already 4am + ... from boat quay...

new motto learnt? < I want to be happy. So i can make others happy :D >

shall go bathe and sleep. still need the energy for tomorrow.

tata~

yawn + sigh + -_-

damn. sucky end to the day.

crossed the line... because of some various stuff that went on. totally messed me up for the night.

just felt totally screwed. bish.bash.whacked.

and now... something that i had been looking forward to for months... can't happen now. just feeling a little sad. but i know i can't be that selfish. so... haha. let it be i guess. life never goes all that smoothly.

adios amigos

Lulaby

And then the boy drifted off to sleep.

Breathing heavy...

The flames within the ash, one by one, welling up.

That beloved face.

Thousands of dreams upon this earth,

As your silver eyes trembled upon that night,

A "shining" you is born.

Hundreds of millions of months and years.

No matter how many prayers are returned to the earth,

I shall continue to pray.

Please, give this child Love, Joined Hands, and a Kiss.

Meifumadō

Darkness blinded the eyes.

A soaked paper. Black.

Weakness befell.

Tearing the very fabrics of reality.

Denial by pride, contradiction by power.

Existence.

The paper that should have never been there?

Spilt ink. Blotted paper.

The truth that will never be.

Truth no longer is truth, but melded with kind lies.

But Time tells no lies.

bleahzzzz

ho ho ho. long time no blog.

no time.

feel lazy.

life's still going on and on and on and on.

came back after CNY... and went to thailand for 2 weeks...

now school's started again.

still totally in a holiday mood.

feeling lethargic too sometimes.

need to find energy..

ok crapping already.

enuf is enuf.