myself

feels good to have found myself once again.

not the myself who claims to be happy and strong.

but the real me finally.

this is the way life should be.

Back

Hello once again.

It's been so long since i last saw you.

I lost you... a long long time ago.

But finally... i''ve found you once again.

Picking you up once again.

Why did you go away for so long?

How did i even let go of you?

It doesnt matter now.

All that matters is that you're back.

Welcome back...

Welcome back Julian...

The last piece of the jigsaw...

Without You - Subbed English Lyrics ( Thanks to AkichanMapleVanilla from Youtube )

X JAPAN - Without You (the night of Destruction Ver.)
Lyrics & Music by YOSHIKI


歩き疲れた 夜にたたずむ
Aruki tsukareta Yoru ni tatazumu
I'm tired of walking and standing in the night

流れる涙を 記憶に重ねて
Nagareru namida o kioku ni Kasanete
I cover my memory with flowing tears

出会いの数だけ 別れはあるけど
Deai no kazu dake Wakare wa arukedo
The number of meeting makes the same number of separation, but

限りない時が続くと信じてた
Kagirinai toki ga tuduku to shinjiteta
I believed that limitless time goes on

傷つけ合った言葉さえ　今は抱きしめ
Kizutsuke atta kotoba sae Ima ha dakishime
Now I embrace even words which hurt each other

振り返るだけ
Furikaerudake
And I only look back

I feel alone...

How should I love you

How could I feel you

Without you...

数え切れない思い出が時間を 埋めつくす
Kazoekire nai omoide ga jikan o umetsukusu
Innumerable memories fill up the time

貴方を愛して　貴方に傷ついて
Anata o aishite anata ni kizutsuite
I loved you, and I was hurt by you

愛という言葉の　深さに気付いた
Ai to iu kotoba no fukasa ni kizuita
I realized the depth of the word 'LOVE'.

I Still remember

答えのない明日に 夢を求めていた日々を
Kotae no nai ashita ni yume o motomete ita hibi o
The days when I searched answerless tomorrow for a dream

限りなく広がる空に もう一度 生まれた意味 今を生きる意味を 問い掛けて...
Kagirinaku hirogaru sora ni mou ichido Umareta imi ima o ikiru imi o toikakete...
I ask the sky which expands boundlessly meaning of birth, meaning of living now Again...

How should I love you

How could I feel you

Without you...

終わりのない愛の詩を　今貴方に...
Owari no nai Ai no uta o ima anata ni...
the endless poem of ''LOVE'',(I'll dedicate it) to you now...

Let me find it once again.

Truth

The truth is always cruel and hard to swallow.

It's one helluva bitter pill.

But sooner or later...

You'll be forced to take it.

And wake up from your dreams.

背叛 - Betray My very own english translation ( Bleah i know my english sux )

Verse 1
雨 不停落下来 花 怎麼都不开
尽管我细心灌溉 你说不爱就不爱 我一个人 欣赏悲哀

Verse 2
爱 只剩下无奈 我 一直不愿再去猜
钢琴上黑键之间 永远都夹著空白 缺了一块 就不精采

Chorus
紧紧相依的心如何Say goodbye 你比我清楚还要我说明白
爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢 我用背叛自己 完成你的期盼

把手放开不问一句 Say goodbye 当作最後一次对你的溺爱
冷冷清清淡淡今後都不管 只要你能愉快

Verse 3
心 有一句感慨 我 还能够跟谁对白
在你关上门之前 替我再回头看看 那些片段 还在不在

ok... now for my english translation

Verse 1
Why doesnt the rain stop?
Why don't the flowers bloom anymore?
Even though my heart tries so hard to fill you with love,
You said you didn't love me anymore.
Leaving me all alone,
I could only drown in sadness

Verse 2
All that's left are the regrets of our love.
I'm not willing to continue playing the guessing game.
In between the black keys of the piano,
Keys of emptiness forever reside.
If one goes missing,
It'll lose it's brilliance.

Chorus
How could two hearts linked together so closely... even bear to say goodbye?
How could you, who knows more clearly than me, ask me to explain it all?
Falling so deeply in love,
Will only lead to blind, reckless courage.
Once again, i betray myself
To fulfill your expectations

Letting go of each other's hand, you never even said goodbye.
Take it as if it is the last time i'm loving you.
No matter how cold it becomes,
No matter how long it takes for the feelings to fade.
All i want...
is for you to be happy.

Verse 3
My heart is feeling flustered.
Who can i convey these feelings to?
Before you close the door on me,
Look back on my behalf.
All that we've been through,
do they still exist in your heart?

Space

Space.



Within. Without.

How much is too much space?

How little is too little space?

A hole that's so big.

Fallen in so deep.



A hole that's filled.

Regrets, Tears, Joy, Laughter, Pain, Sadness.

And the shadow that will never ever go away.

The shadow that brings back the warmth.

The shadow that brings back the memories.



A hole that's so enduring.

Struggle to get out? Or be embraced?

What'll be there outside the hole?

Will there be warmth? Will there be nice memories?

Can it ever reach the level of the feelings for the hole?



A hole that seems so big.

Yet leaves so little space for all else.



A hole which has occupied a big space within the heart.

A void so protected.



Seems like so much to fill up.

But... can it be filled?

A Space which leaves so little Space.

The laughter of the fates are ringing once again.

Turn Back The Pendulum - Inspired by the chapter's title from Bleach

Turn back the Pendulum.

Tock. Tock. Tock. Tock.

The deafening sound permeates the air.

Didn't i notice it all along?

I try. Nothing.

I try harder. Still nothing.

Denying pain, denying my very own pride, denying the truth.

I just refuse to accept it.

I keep going... and going...

But where will i end up eventually?

Would it have been better if the Pendulum were not set in motion in the first place?

But it has.

Now i can only hear the melody playing out it's story.

What awaits at the end of the melody?

A beautiful melody filled with pain and laughter? Or will it just slowly fade away eventually...

No matter what...

The Pendulum still stands where it was all along.

Quote from Alan's blog.

"To love someone is nothing. To be loved by someone is something. To love and be loved by someone is everything"

wooottoooo zutttoooo

wah. been a long time since i really drank. got somewhat tipsy at the bar/lounge wateva... then lol thanks to the rest who made my night... especially since i'd been feeling down recently. although supposed to just accompany my frd... and i said that i wouldnt drink... end up drinking, playing dice, karaoke... and on top of that ... the "funny stuff" they try to do to me ... haha....thanks for everything guys :D

about the "funny stuff"... actually i'm really sober. just that i got a little high. but haha... not high enuf to make me go all the way. nice try guys. next time maybe. lol. felt a bit good. but no no ~ lol. just cannot do it. hyuk hyuk hyuk.

die. i'm still feeling high now. makes me feel like doing some crazy stuff. think the alcohol is finally kicking in after a few hours. maybe now if u asked me to do the "funny stuff", i'ld jsut whack liao and dun care and kill it off.

wheeeeeeeee. siao liaoz. lots of random thoughts now.

thanks to the people who've been around when i was feeling down. your presence alone made me feel better. just cant express enuf gratitude.

and lol... thinking back about this week. i think i've really been a bastard. especially after crossing the line emotionally. just didnt manage to climb back. let all the small small stuff affect me when normally it just wouldnt.

bleahz. my parents got me a new chinese name. which i ABSOLUTELY ABHOR. it's unofficial though.... the new chinese name wont be seen on my IC. and it FREAKING SOUNDS LIKE A GIRL'S NAME. SO NO NO NO ~!!! i die die also wont adopt that.

and tonight i was just thinking. fuck it. why hold back. want to do something ~ just do it !!! be happy !!! why the hell hold yourself back ! just do anything to make urself feel good. i happy then can make others happy also. i sad will only make others sad. wheee..... think i've crossed back onto the light side again. or maybe it's just the alcohol making me feel high. hopefully when i wake up tomorrow i'll still be feeling all good. suddenly everything seems so positive now. must be the alcohol.

haha...think my posts making no sense already. the influence of the alcohol slowly kicking in... chivas regal >.<" . actually only drink little little + super a lot of mixer cause i can't hold my alcohol... end up due to the "unforseen" circumstances from the "funny stuff" ...ended up whacking so much for my standards. die.

i wonder if the next time i try that "funny stuff" again... how far would i go... especially if i really do push my limits of alcohol...think it's all up to the rest of my buddies to sabo me... wahahahaha

ok typing a lot. super a lot. long post. long time since i last post liao. haha...

and whee ~ singing "bei pan" by cao ge... felt really good. super super super good. haha...

and die. still need to wake up relatively early. now already 4am + ... from boat quay...

new motto learnt? < I want to be happy. So i can make others happy :D >

shall go bathe and sleep. still need the energy for tomorrow.

tata~

yawn + sigh + -_-

damn. sucky end to the day.

crossed the line... because of some various stuff that went on. totally messed me up for the night.

just felt totally screwed. bish.bash.whacked.

and now... something that i had been looking forward to for months... can't happen now. just feeling a little sad. but i know i can't be that selfish. so... haha. let it be i guess. life never goes all that smoothly.

adios amigos

Lulaby

And then the boy drifted off to sleep.

Breathing heavy...

The flames within the ash, one by one, welling up.

That beloved face.

Thousands of dreams upon this earth,

As your silver eyes trembled upon that night,

A "shining" you is born.

Hundreds of millions of months and years.

No matter how many prayers are returned to the earth,

I shall continue to pray.

Please, give this child Love, Joined Hands, and a Kiss.

Meifumadō

Darkness blinded the eyes.

A soaked paper. Black.

Weakness befell.

Tearing the very fabrics of reality.

Denial by pride, contradiction by power.

Existence.

The paper that should have never been there?

Spilt ink. Blotted paper.

The truth that will never be.

Truth no longer is truth, but melded with kind lies.

But Time tells no lies.

bleahzzzz

ho ho ho. long time no blog.

no time.

feel lazy.

life's still going on and on and on and on.

came back after CNY... and went to thailand for 2 weeks...

now school's started again.

still totally in a holiday mood.

feeling lethargic too sometimes.

need to find energy..

ok crapping already.

enuf is enuf.

After CNY

woot back from malaysia. spend my CNY there with relatives. dunno where to start... quite a few highlights to mention...

1) CARD GAMES. Woot ~ won over 100 rm ( only about 40 sg dollars ) while playing "In-between". Sadly the jackpot this time max was around 200+ only... not like the previous year where it jumped to about close to 1k rm. Haha.. all thanks to blackie that i managed to win... must be the good luck he's bringing to me :P

2) EATING. Ate so so so so so so much. crazy. madness. the main highlight? on one fine day... for one meal... i ate 5 bowls of ipoh hor fun... 5 frickin bowls -_-" i was stuffed by the time i finished the last one. Actually... what happened was i went with my cousins to go out and eat... ate 3 bowls initially... then went back to the house... only to find that my uncles, aunties and parents were going out for lunch / tea... then i had to tag along... and my auntie... ACCIDENTALLY ordered 2 bowls of hor fun for me... ( all these happened within a short interval of 20-30 mins ). so. 5 bowls. GOOD GAME. i'm so going to grow fat. and for other meals... each time i eat ipoh hor fun... it's at least 3 bowls. die. time to diet.

3) Really didn't do much else... except to play my PSP... play with my nephews and nieces... and sleep.

4) On saturday night... i saw 2 other sides of ipoh that i've never really ventured into before. First was in old town... went to the ipoh padang.. where some events were actually going on. visited the old town coffee shop ard 9pm in the night... quite a nice place to hang out acutally for coffee, toast and noodles. My auntie brought us around the area and showed us some places like the railway and stuff. Then... we went to another area ... i think it's called greentown. basically it's a "new commericial hub" according to one of my other aunties... and i mainly saw that it was bustling with life around midnight... basically all the nightspots, pubs, etc. full of people. crowded. really totally different from the ipoh that i normally know of... cause ipoh is generally quite the laidback town... not developed much in the past 10-20 years i guess... the roads are still almost the same... the same buildings...

5) what else what else... hm... oh yea ang baos! the main highlight of CNY...how can i forget... ok la... received around 100+ rm this time around i tihnk... ok la i guess... i've been accumulating my ang bao money for the past 3-4 years... time to change it all back to sing dollar...

6) and oh. something interesting as well. i just realised.. ( actually i sorta knew but not the full details... only just learnt mostly the whole thing recently ) ... i've got a cousin( let's just call him Mr. A )who's now a Datuk in malaysia. What's a datuk? basically it's a title conferred upon the person... something like a knighthood from the british system..

From wikipedia:
""" Datuk is a federal title has been conferred since 1965 and limited to recipients of PJN (Panglima Jasa Negara) of which there may be up to 200 living at any one time, and PSD (Panglima Setia Diraja) of which there may be up to 200 living at any one time. The PJN and PSN rank 9th and 10th respectively in the rank of federal awards.

The numerical limits apply only to Malaysian subjects. Foreigners may receive the award in a supernumerary and honorary capacity and use the title locally.

Individual states that has a head of state nominated by the respective state's legislature may confer the title of 'Datuk' to individuals. However, this is different from the title "Dato'", where it is given by individual states that has a Sultan and not a head of state nominated by the state legislature. For example, Yang Dipertua Negeri Melaka is a head of state nominated by the Melaka state legislature and may confer the title of 'Datuk' while the Sultan of Pahang is the hereditary ruler of the state of Pahang and may confer the title of "Dato'".

The award of these titles is determined by the individual rulers and there is no set limit on the number of state Dato's.
Different to the awarding of Datuk, the award of Dato' can only be conferred by a hereditary ruler of a state, as opposed to a ruler that is appointed by the Yang Di Pertuan Agong. A ruler that is appointed by the Yang Di Pertuan Agong (e.g. Yang Dipertua Negeri Melaka, Yang Dipertua Negeri Sabah etc) can confer the award of Datuk, not Dato'. Only a hereditary ruler (e.g. Sultan Pahang, Sultan Perak etc) can confer the award of Dato' to an individual """"


Ok as to how he got it.. i'm not too sure... but i believe it's related to his business that's just flourishing. where do i start... hm... lets just say his previous few ventures failed... but this time he ventured into something doing with.. er.. "Feng shui + Number ( String theory? ) + Birth dates ( the 8 zi ) " ... then it's really flourishing... as in ... er... he sells jewellery / accessories which are basically made up of numbers... but supposed to be able to alter ur life, give u luck... etc etc basically what u'ld associate with feng shui. And it's FRIGGING SUCCESSFUL and i dunno how.. cause it's like i heard the prices and my eyes bowled over... like the most simple type of accessory costs around.. 800+, 900+ ringgit i think ? and if i'm not wrong... one of my relatives had a diamond one ... with just 2-3 numbers.. and it cost... 35k ringgit.... MADNESS.

but then again... according to my cousin who stays in KL... that cousin of mine... is sorta becoming a "cult figure" already... like at some party.. random strangers would pull aside MR A's mum... and ask her what she ate during pregnancy in order to give birth to such a "prodigy" .... yes. i'm repeating the exact same words used. then apparently some othre strangers also did some strange stuff also la... haha...

and after which... i went to his house last night... originally they stayed in a normal condo ... but when i went last night... they'd moved to the highest floor... which was the PENTHOUSE. 2 levels, + swimming pool + super big area. Wow. just wow.

7) ok enuf about Mr A. let me think what else...hm... can't think of anything else already. haha. guess that's all about it.


now it's gonna be another interesting week... visits to the museum, badminton, vday itself, meeting up with JC hockey mates this weekend (hopefully not cancelled )...time to burn off all those calories gained from CNY...wahahaha

neglected my blog for too long... time to post more since i'm free now...haha..

wheee

exams over~ haha.

will be going to malaysia tomorrow ~

so.. happy CNY to everybody in advance :D

i'll be bringing blackie along with me too ~ haha.. shld bring me luck at mahjong and the various card games... :D :D :D ( though sadly my HP line has no auto-roaming )

Garden of Sinners

Drip.

Was that a teardrop?

"Hm... it's starting to rain..."

Bright clear skies. Sunlight.

Silence.

Yet amidst the deafening silence, screams could be heard.

Screams which could be felt by the heart.

"Heh... so will... you... be coming together... with... me ...?"

"...No... I'll stay...i don't belong in paradise..."

"......."

He had his last words.

She got up, taking the bloody knife out of the limp body who was once an angel to her.

And so, she slowly walked...

back into the Garden of Sinners...










Ok... just a lame attempt at a mini story/scenario...haha... was just in the mood to write something but dunno what to write about.

1 month~

Happy one month anniversary dear !

haha... what a coincidence (fate? :P) that we both wore yellow today... hope that you really liked the presents ~

and i just wanna say that...

i may not be the most romantic person on earth...

i may not be so good at expressing my feelings...

i may not be good with my words nor very tactful...

but trust me.

i'll stand by you.

i want to be there for you.. through the good times and the bad times...

and i'll do whatever i can to make you happy :D

Family and peace

Haven't been in touch with the inner and creative side of me quite recently... lack of time... studies, projects, assignments >.<"

Gonna start by talking about some of my inner thoughts going through my head... and my reminiscing about the past... and the lessons learnt...

Going to talk about my past a bit...

I used to be very rebelious in the past. It started ... i guess when i was in secondary school. I used to argue with my family members for the sake of arguing, for the so-called "Finding my self-identity" stage... It may have seemed to the rest that, i was a kid beyond hope, that i had no conscience. But honestly... back then... i did hurt deep down inside. I hoped for someone to... sort of forgive me and embrace me. But it never did happen. It only served to deepen my hatred and anger.

But someone woke me up. With his tears. The 2nd time i saw him cry. The only other time i've seen him cry was because... my grandfather passed away. Yup... this person is my father. He made me realise how selfish i was. That i only thought about my own feelings, not caring and even thinking about others.

It dawned upon me... that it was so true... how i tried to make myself the centre of the world, egocentric if you'ld call it. How i'ld make myself seem to be the victim of everything, even if i wasn't the victim.

It really brought out the true feelings out of me... that i actually hated myself rather than hated others. I couldn't stand the sight of myself... this pathetic me who was still trying to escape reality. this pathetic me who had hurt so many people. I was just overwhelmed with this self-hatred back then.

But my parents sought to stand beside me. And i am really thankful to them. Even though i had done so many wrongs to them. Even though i had time and time again hurt their feelings, lied to them, and said... words that i shouldnt have said. It just made me realise... no one had given up on me from the start. I was the one who had given up on myself. I was the one who blinded myself.

I am really thankful to my parents now. The burden placed upon my heart during those days was just lifted. I found a new peace inside my heart. Almost like i was reborn.

Peace... in this sense... started to come into my life. The arguments and everything else stopped. I started opening up to my parents, though not about everything. Tension and animosity disappeared...

Life's journey is filled with bumps and rocks. It may be a long ardous journey... but no matter what... we'll all reach our destination in the end... and looking back... we can laugh at all the hardship and happy times that we've gone through...

Eventually... what really matters... is that everybody is happy... and in order for that to happen... it must start with ourself...

Change our own hearts. Change other's hearts. Make the world a happy place.

Haha.. sounds lame... but that's a nice dream to have... :D :D :D



Now having finished talking about my family... i guess i'll talk about my concerns recently... and about my mentality towards some stuff.

Now... i'm not the person who likes to see conflicts. i hate to see people suffering. I hate to see people in pain. I really want to help these people. i want to do something. But... i'm powerless in reality. i can't do anything much to change the situation or help the people involved. i understand that... i'm not god. but this feeling just really sucks. seeing your close ones unhappy... also makes you feel down. just like a ripple effect on the water. i know some people will say that i shouldn't place this burden of theirs upon myself... but i just can't help it. words are all that i can offer at the moment...but if i could... i just want to let them know that i'll always be there for them...

Jay Chou Concert !

weeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

tired.... got back from jay chou's concert...

went there together with dear, xiu ting and xiu ting's frd ( paiseh i forgot the name! >.<")

went to bugis to find them... originally supposed to be at 4pm... but i ended up leaving the house earlier than usual as my family ate outside.. so left directly from there...so i met them at around 3:15 instead... haha... just when the arcade basketball competition at Virtualand bugis was about to begin...and despite not winning... i think they all did really well! ( well... at least much better than me >.<" )

haha... played drums for a while while waiting for xiu ting's frd to arrive... somehow after not playing for years... i managed to reach levels higher than compared to last time when i played it relatively more often... haha... strange huh... and thanks to dear who kept increasing the difficulty for me... pushing me higher... haha...but you're just so much better than me at co-ordination ... lol~

after that we ate at siam kitchen ... which er.. honestly wasn't that fantastic... the food turned out... different from what we expected... and one dish even had a slight smokey taste... slightly similar to what u smell from cigarettes... >.<"

after that we made our way to the national indoor stadium... got to kallang mrt... but couldnt decide on finding the correct bus... or walking there... so we resorted to taxi.. haha..4 people so ok la... but the taxi driver was this old man who couldn't keep to his lane and almost banged other cars .. like 3 or 4 times? even after the cars honked him... he still seemed ignorant of it >.<" scary times >.<"

but oh well... got there eventually in one piece... and saw loads of people queuing up to buy the jay chou merchandise.. eventually they opened up a 2nd stall.. which was to open at the north entrance at 7pm... but still had a long queue... which moved extremely slowly >.<". and to top it off... we found out... they don't sell the stuff directly there! it was more of a stall where u make ur orders... then on .. i think february 18/19th .. you go down to their HQ and collect it... quite zzzzz

oh well.. we then made our way to our seats... which actually weren't that good though it cost 200... it was the furthest row on the ground level... non elevated.. so which means that if people in front stand up.. then the back rows all gone case... which was what actually happened during the concert. oh well... redeeming point was that we saw jay chou's mother and grandmother sitting just a few metres away from us...haha...

oh well... jay's concert was relatively good..and at one point... during one of his songs... he invited his grandmother to the stage to dance along with another dancer... which was quite a sweet and nice moment ~

quite a energy packed performance...and most people stood up through the whole performance at our ground level... many costume changes... many original lyrics and interesting stuff done by him... haha... really enjoyed it a lot. hopefully he'll again come sooner... as compared to last time... which was like 2 or 3 years ago...

and oh. getting back after the concert... without car. horrendous. by the time i get to mrt station.. no more mrt. then i took 197 which i chanced upon ( which i found miraculously goes thru geylang, bugis, north bridge, raffles city ) to go to jurong east... the bus was crowded... and to top off... i stood beside this guy/aneh who smelt of ... uri... nm.. smelt bad... i pity the person whom he sat beside later when there was a vacant seat...>.<"

reached jurong east... then walked to chinese garden mrt cause my sister who's supposed to fetch me from there doesnt know jurong east well... -_-"

shagged. my legs are aching... haha... and still going out again tomorrow... sing karaoke... the last day that i can enjoy before i go totally into my shell again to mug for the upcoming exams...

ah... kk... this's been a long post... after not posting for so long...

so goodnight everybody~ goodnight dear~

sweet dreams!