Random Thoughts from the Past

Did a little packing and stumbled across a piece of paper.... Depression for 2-3 months + is not funny....

Some of my thoughts during my darkest days in my life ( Actually too much ) :

How do you turn bloodlust and rage into something positive?

How can you attain redemption and salvation ... when there's no one to turn to ?

Human beings are just so weak , they just can't survive alone.

Those feelings of rejection, the feeling of being unwanted... Yet i still have to be the great pretender.

Never being able to smile from the bottom of my heart, never having a mind of my own.

Other other feelings except rage and anger , overwhelming and consuming me.

Try as i might , i can never fight this demon within my heart.

So lost , So dishearterned. Dis-illusioned.

The more i seek the answers, the further i fall. In this never ending pit , the vicious cycle of life, communication, empathy and rejection is leaving me bewildered.

Why do i exist?

What is the answer?

I don't know. Maybe it just doesnt exist.

Maybe i just don't want to admit that there's no meaning to it.

The more i try to climb out of the pit, the further i fall back in.

Empty, Darkness , Despair , Negativity. Acting like nothing is wrong.

Yet this hands will never hold anything.

Losing my sanity, losing my heart.

It's so sad when only death recognises your existence.

Looking forward to my death to end this pain. Yet the question still remains.. Why do i exist?

Why must life be like that ? Shouldn't life be something more?

The empty void within me.

Why must we suffer? Why must we live? Its just as though i have no meaning to live , yet no reason to die.

These feelings haunt me day and night.

No happiness, only sadness and hatred.

Try as i might to ignore these feelings, i've already reached the bottle neck.

It's all boiling over. Unable to contain it anymore.

The desire for the answer to these questions.

My uselessness.

My ability to think is a double-edged sword. I know more than i should.

Things that i shouldn't know. I just can't take it any longer. My heart aches. No one to turn to.

No one to understand me. Why do i live to experience only darkness , pain and suffering?

I cannot see the light. The bonds of life are fading away. Who can help me?

Who can answer these questions?

The urge to die is consuming me.

Yet i'll still never find the answers doing so.

Why must life be this way. Why must i live under this feelings of hatred?

I hate my life. And i can never get out of this pit. I just lack the courage to die. (?)

Life is pathetic. I'm just so tired. Questions, pain, suffering. I've really have had enough of being the great pretender.


Hmmmm i remember i was intending this to be my suicide letter some time back when i got extremely depressed... and i wrote a few more pages worth of quotes and stuff... but i think i've either 1)left them in my medical centre during my army days 2) thrown em away. Just decided to write this up here... to look back on those days.. ( And actually the paper i wrote all of this on is rotting away... ). I remember even doing a analysis of the vicious cycle of negativity and suicide...

I think now what i'm trying to do is just to escape.. escape from all this negativity .. escape from my own darkness.. from my own mind... but i know that one day it'll all come back and haunt me. I don't know whether i can take another round of it... Maybe by then i'll have found someone to confide into ? Haha.. just maybe it'll never come true.

And SCREW OD*X , SCREW AV*S. NOW I CAN'T BLOODY GET MY FUCKING "CARTOONS" IN PEACE.