sv_sensitivity -100000000 NUMB THIS FUCKING PAIN !!!

Hm.... where to start off... its been quite a fucked up day for me i guess... on a personal level.

Hypocrites are taking over the world ... including myself. Some people use it to survive. Some people use it to deceive. Some... just are one for the sake of being one. I certainly can't put my fucking sad / depressed face up in front of ppl all the time...

Dunno if i'm being oversensitive or what ... but i just can't help but people put up masks in front of me...Honestly i'm feeling quite sick with all this already.... just feel like giving it all up at times.

One moment they can be buddy buddy with me.. the next moment... either a 3rd party "hints" to me, or he/she scolds me in the face that i've done something wrong and doesn't explain to me what i did wrong.. yet afterwhich he/she can immediately still seem buddy buddy with me. Seems to be quite some stuff going on behind the curtains that i don't know about. But once again.. maybe i'm being over sensitive here.

Then i dunno what went wrong with me today. Went ... into a strange mode. Just as if i was another person. Talking strange things. Trying to do strange things. And i knew it all the time.

Maybe its the crazy side of me that's been bottled up too long.

Feel that sometimes i'm really losing my self identity.. like i dunno who .. or what i am anymore... no sense of self.. just .. reacting. Reacting as how i should be like. No sense of pride, confidence.. or assurance in any decision i make. Like i can't put my heart into anything anymore.. Don't even know what i want anymore.

People say .. " Follow your heart " ... but for me.. i can only analyse the situation... and then see what i can make out of the situation. There's always at least 2 opinions... the angel and the devil. Either i do good and make ppl happy... or i try to make myself get into a situation where i can benefit the most out of it .. yet at the expense of other people... and i tend to do so. I really hate this part of me... wanting to make use of people and build on their sorrow.

I know some people will say " Nobody is totally innocent / pure in this world " ... but for me.. it just comes as something that i really hate ... Maybe perfectionism is at work here.. ( Virgos -_-) And yes... i'm slow to catch on to things.. and i hate it also

That personality disorder test is becoming more and more accurate in my eyes.... I should be having Avoidant Personality Disorder i guess...

Maybe i should just shun the world and live in one of my own. Ignorance is bliss afterall.

Reminds me of the manga N.H.K .. when Misaki mentioned about hermits/NEETS/Hikkikomoris : " ... Is because they don't dare to do anything that tests their self worth .... such as relationships, exams, challenges, etc"

Maybe i'm just too afraid of know that i'm a worthless fucked up person. Maybe thats why i don't want to get close to anyone. Maybe thats why i don't want to do anything. The truth is always cruel after all.


Random thoughts of the day:

Death works 2 ways. You can live on forever in ppl's hearts and leave your legacy behind. Or accept death as an erasure of your puny existence.

For me.. i more than welcome it anytime in my life now. Better come now while i still haven't changed my mind