Never End

Dyed my hair red. Lost 135 bucks on MJ. Didn't get much sleep.

Ah.... although sometimes i try to keep myself occupied all the time... i just can't get these feelings out of me. These feelings of emptiness, regret, hate... all this negativity...

But something i didn't expect happened... Shawn told me on MSN recently that he had noticed i wasn't .... as happy as i seemed to be...

Wow.. the first time some one had noticed it ? Or perhaps others knew about it.. just that they didn't tell me..... Is it really quite obvious still... that i'm not happy ? Hm....

Sometimes i really dunno what to do with my life anymore... haha.... especially after hearing what fund said to me in the car yesterday... i think... yea... its really true... haha ... and yea.. the truth hurts. It really made me feel worse about myself.... Becoming something i never want to become.... ahh... i'm getting all confused....

I really hate long trips on the buses and trains... during this periods of time... there's nothing to do.. but think... and the more i think... the more... sad i get... sometimes to the point where i almost break down and cry... but i cant for fuck's sake cause its in public...

Hm.... yea to be honest... what i want.. can't never be acheived.... as i said before... expectations only seek to betray... so why have expectations in the first place...

Having no dreams.. no expectations... no hopes...then i won't fall... i won't get hurt... haha.... but i just can't stop myself from having this lingering hopes... like in Gurren-Lagann.. haha the human species naturally evolve to aim higher and higher.....

Yet at the same time.. i'm afraid. Afraid that once i get something i really want... i'll end up destroying it all....

"We should try to live a simpler life" .... if only it were that easy ....