no link no link.... but still got link. No Link right ?

ok.... i'm bored. And i suddenly felt like blogging. Really nothing else to do... but i've no idea what to blog about.... just gonna crap crap crap whatever comes to my mind along the way... so there may be no link among the passages that i'm about to write...

if i were to write about my topic of expertise.... it'ld be too explicit... ( i'm pretty sure some people know which topic i'm referring to... ) so i shall not write about that...

just had a sushi dinner. home-made sushi. Sister & mum bought all the fresh ingredients from meidi-ya at Liang Court ... mainly toritake, jellyfish, sweet tamago, scallop, etc etc etc ... then my mum used half an hour to cook the rice for the sushi.. some "high-grade" rice that i saw on the name of the packet... and it's quite gd.... ended up helping out to make the sushi .. rolling it ... haha... quite ok la... not too bad for a first time making sushi.... quite filling also...

And oh... i apologise to anybody that i've snapped at recently... sometimes i'm just not in the mood to entertain while in the midst of emo-ing.

I guess that i'll shed some more light on why i go all emo... quite a few people have been asking me why...

Fear of happiness + Being extremely judgemental of myself + getting overwhelmed by regrets = Uber Pessimistic Me

I'ld basically say its a combination of these points above...

Where do i start... lets just say that i believe that happiness doesn't last forever. Good things come and go... never staying forever. I know that this is reality.. good things can't last forever... but i can't stop myself from hankering after it. Sometimes... after having lots of fun... and once the euphoria ends... it just feels so... empty. There's a hollowness within which is there all the time. It's just like... in the end... there's nothing left at all. Nothing left but pain. I hate this feeling. Absolutely. Thats why... if i ... try not to be happy... this feeling won't come right? Haha... perhaps it is a flawed ideal... and i know that its impossible to kill off these emotions of mine... so i'm stuck being the way i am. Some people have told me that the happiness attained.. would be greater than the pain felt... but... if there were no happiness in the first place... then there wouldn't be any pain...

Also... i tend to be very critical of myself. i always judge myself and my actions all the time... and i always love to look back... which is both my strength... and weakness... I keep telling myself... that i don't deserve happiness. Why? Because in the end... i'll end up destroying everything that i love. Too many times... in the past...i ended up in a wreck because of what i did. Stupid things. Stupid Stupid Stupid things. And i'm so afraid of making mistakes because of this. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want to hurt others also...

One incident that i still really really regret up till this day... and i don't know what drove me to do it... was one day after softball training during secondary school... our coach gathered around to talk to us... he was talking to us about being a team... like a family.... naturally everybody was all in unison... and suddenly... my coach... who was honestly... a person whom i look up to... ask me " I'm like a father to you all right ? Don't you agree ?"

I've got no idea what went through my mind back then. I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life... and i really still regret it up till today.

I said no.

No.

The atmosphere went all silent. The shocked look on his face. I can still remember it.

I said something which i did not want to say. I wanted to say yes. But i have no idea why the words NO came out instead.

It seemed like he was about to cry or something.

" Never mind... its ok "

And he just left.

Things would never go back to the way it once was.

I know that ... some people would think that i deserve to be fucked for saying that. I really wish that i could turn back time to change it... but it never will... it never will.... and it still haunts me up till today...

Looking back... i did many things to hurt other people. Ended up only getting hurt myself.

Too many regrets haunt me. I just can't let go. I'm just one fucked up bastard honestly... i hurt all the people around me.

When the things u love get hurt.... you'll feel hurt too... but ... when you're the one who's hurting the things you love... the pain is just unbearable.

I may seem strong on the outside... but i'm actually just fragile on the inside. I'm so afraid of making any more mistakes... so afraid of harming other people... that sometimes... i just tend to push them away...

It's just like a self defense mechanism now.. i don't want to get close to other people.

I'm afraid.

Afraid of happiness... gaining and losing it...

Afraid of myself... for only being able to destroy and hurt those close to me...

Afraid of opening up that door to my heart... which is already so fragile.

Many times i've cried myself to sleep. Thinking back about those events. Thinking about how i don't deserve happiness. Although inside... hope still lingers... for an angel to come into my life. But i know... that even an angel cannot save me ...

There is no redemption for me. Only eternal damnation awaits me.