Sinister laughter, smirks, exasperated smiles, all those are abundant. But never did we see him smiling from the heart

Hm... just some ( actually quite a lot ) of stuff i wrote during my lecture today.... just felt... really down... really wrote all this in paragraphs.. in random order... haha... maybe it sounds like there's no link to everything.. but whatever... just writing down what i felt at each time.

I've stopped dreaming since a long time ago.
I Don't even dare to dream anymore.
My hopes, dreams, and wishes ultimately become my desperation.
My heart is in shambles. Fragile.
I Can't take anymore blows.
So please.. don't show me hope and then take it all away...
I'ld rather live a life without any hope at all.
I don't dare to take that first step out...
To break out of my heart-wrenching fate.
If life is a dream, just kill me.

I envy those close to me. I see them enjoying their lives.
I can only mourn and regret my own predicament.
Sometimes.. it's not just about the individual having the will to take the first step..nor the determination to change things...
It's just.. impossible...

Help can never be around all the time.
A life of fantasy
A life where there'll always be someone around for you.
Impossible.
I'ld rather give up from the start,
than to try and get hurt again.
Would this lessen my pain?
I have no idea.
But i'll definitely live a life of regret and despair.

I told someone recently, not to let fear of rejection rule his life.
But.. who am i kidding?
I'm the one living in this fear...
Trying to avoid rejection... by not letting hope come in in the first place.
Bring me to the heavens and back to hell...
I'ld rather avoid that trip.
Blind me, Kill me, Tear out my heart.
This pain grows... wallowing in my sorrow...

I crave so much for the light.
Yet i fear it at the same time.
I see a rose in the distance.
A bloody rose.
Full of life and vibrancy.
The desire to obtain it is overwhelming.
Always stuck in my thoughts,
Eating into my soul.
This craving is just killing me.
"Why not pick it up?" you say...
Yet i know.. that in the end i'll only get hurt,
by its rosy thorns.
Innocence. Beauty. Pureness.
Yet it can only hurt once obtained.
And in the end.. the rose will wither...
Gone it will be... forever...
Yet only pain remains....
If only.. i'ld never seen the rose in the first place,
I'ld never have to go through this pain.

I'm so afraid of myself.
I know that once i obtain something i've craved for so long...
I'll only be over-obsessive.
I'll only scare and chase it away in the end.
I'll only end up hurting the ones closest to me.
I never want to be in this kind of situation.
Shutting out everyone from me is the path i've taken.
Sometimes wondering if i've taken the right path...
Once too many times.. my predictions have come true....
Being able to think... is my bane...
Seeing only darkness....

Chain me down forever in this darkness.
Let me sleep and have beautiful dreams...
Dreams that i won't wake up from...
For i know that if i wake up...
Only pain and fear awaits me.