so here i am

hmm... posting from fund's laptop at his hall in NTU ... haha...

just went out for supper with some of the NTU peeps.... then went to jurong hill... live in jurong so long... but i never knew about jurong hill ... haha... quite ulu place.. but a hangout place for couples.

I went there under ... quite unique circumstances... haha.... act as the lightbulb along with 2 other lightbulbs.... and our presence was "necessary" .... haha...

oh well... i had a talk today with fund la. its the same thing that people have been telling me... that its me being stubborn.. and viewing everything negatively...

i really appreciate that .. people are talking to me and trying to help me.. but honestly... sometimes i just dun feel that words can reach me anymore. i'm really gone case already. stuck at the bottom of the death valley.

oh well...quite a few things have happened recently... or perhaps its just me thinking too much. well... i used to have a way of coping with all these frustrations... via my jack knife... but so unfortunately i lost it after taking a taxi sometime back... now i really dunno where to direct all these frustrations.

i'm just so afraid of happiness. happiness doesn't last. i dun wanna go thru anymore pain. too fragile.

Ahh i whine too much.. and about the same things over and over. really really really depressing. but i dunno what to do anymore. dun even know how to cope with it anymore. getting worse over the years.

Why should i deserve any happiness? I'm one big fucking liar.

to (^._.^) : perhaps i may not understand the full situation ... but you're just bringing pain onto urself. u're obviously putting on a mask but u're denying it. stop denying who u really are and what u really feel. be yourself. if he only likes your cheerful side and doesnt want to share ur problems watsoeva... then screw it ! Why behave in a way that betrays your own emotions? Why behave in a way according to other people's expectations ?? Obviously he doesn't appreciate you for who you really are. He only likes the "unreal" side of you! But yea ... if u're reading this.. u may hate me after i've said all this but.. this is what i feel honestly. so yea...

think i've said enuf.... gd morning once again ! 2nd day in a row that i'm staying up till so late... and "hell mugging week" is up ahead.. for the next 2 weeks ... before exams... so wish me luck...