Even though yesterday never really carry heavy loads.. but i feel damn shagged... and no thanks to my "semi-sprained" back.. knn cannot turn around properly...
too tired to blog.
bleahz
hm... and linkin park's new album.... on first listen seems like ok ok.. need to go check out the lyrics and listen to it properly the next time round.. when i'm not that shagged.
Hmmmmmmmm just a little rant. Random Thoughts.
This is the dark side of me. That no one has known.
Living without a heart.. nor their will... or a normal face...
What's that like ? I don't mean living as a cold or cruel person.. but... living as a zombie.. or rather a clown.. maybe even a doll.
This is the true me.
No matter what you do... you just can't seem to fit into society.. you can't socialise with people.. and people belittle you.. and you know it. Even though you like doing what you do... Society rejects... people just can be that cruel.
Its like my face is so fucking ugly that people look down on me.. and that's where the mask comes in..
It all starts off by betraying myself by putting a mask on my face..playing along with people's ideals, acting along with them, making people happy. But.. why make people happy when you youself are actually unhappy? I didn't want to put on the mask cause it does not reflect the real me... but the real me would be rejected by society straight away. And over time.. the mask became part of me..
People usually put on masks to portray the opposite of what they are feeling at any point of time.. to hide their weaknesses... however my mask... is different.. i put on different masks according to how i THINK i should react to the situation.. my mask never reflects anything from my heart....maybe thats why i adopt a poker face to most situations.. cause sometimes i just can't think of how to react to the situation.
At least when i still had a heart.... i could still feel the pain. Feeling so hurt.. feeling so tired.. until the point where i just want to give up on life. However.. somehow i managed to live on with no dreams, no ideals, no goals.
I started asking.. " What's the meaning of life ? " The endless race to find an answer, yet i just can't find an absolute answer no matter how hard i try.
Finally living to the point where finally.. my emotions have dried up. Unable to express any of my real emotions.. is living without a real face but only a mask. The heart is gone... and so is the face.. all that's left is a mask.. without the mask... i just can't face people. The mask that operates based on my concepts and situations. And no one can accept a faceless person... and a dead one at that.
Usually people bottle up their emotions... but to me.. i've closed the bottle. Closed up my heart. I don't even bother to feel for other people. I don't even bother to consider other people's feelings... even if they are hurt or what-so-ever. I have no idea how to open it up. It's sealed shut.
I always put my mask on.. in front of everyone.. never once a single time i've taken my mask off in front of others... acting as if i do care ... but i know the truth.. is that i don't give a fuck. I smile. I laugh. I cry. I whine. I scold. But in the end.. its all an act. With this mask.
Maybe the only emotion left in me is hate and fear.. hatred of myself. Fear of spreading misfortune onto others. I don't want to be a burden to other people. That's why i never let people know what i'm really feeling.
Maybe i just want to seek redemption. Maybe i just want to feel accepted for the way i am.... A heartless, faceless being.
I should reject my own existence.
I should have never been born.
