Lee Seung Gi- Words that are hard to say MV

emo song from a korean MV T_T

* video starts with this scene *
at the ending basket ball court.. the girl said..

why do u love me so much.
i got nothing to give you
but this precious kiss


Though we're breaking up and I won't ever see you again
Let me ask one last favor.
The only thing that I can do for you who's filled with tears,
is to let you go with ease.

These words are a bit awkward and so hard to say to you
who's so like me and to him who isn't me.

I hope that you erase all the memories of love and
memories of thankfulness and even my tears.
Don't hurt anymore and don't turn around
just live happily from now on.

I knew a long time ago that a love other than me, had
taken all for your heart.

I don't want to say these to you who's so like me
and to him who isn't me, no matter how hard I try.

I hope that you erase all the memories of love and
memories of thankfulness and even my tears.
Don't hurt anymore and don't turn around
just live happily from now on.

Don't be sorry, don't regret it because he's going to
treat you so much better than I could.
Because this seperation would be good for me if you'd just smile
and forget me completely inside his embrace.

It'll be okay, I'll get used to it no matter
how hard it is to love alone.
Because I'll just keep you inside of my heart as you
leave and turn around.






Letting go is always the hardest thing to do...

i'm an old man / uncle / grandpa wateva...

hmmm i nag too much...

especially towards people i'm concerned about...

like an old man / uncle / grandpa...

they... also used to call me uncle...

haha brings back memories...

back then...

back then...

those days will never come back.

sick

Felt sick today so never go school.

sore throat, heavy head, headache, muscle ache.

now almost all fine already... but still got some muscle ache. -_-

at least i managed to get my eff. writing assignment done today.

ahh... still feeling tired... lethargic... >.<"

L’Arc~en~Ciel - LOST HEAVEN

LOST HEAVEN ( English Translation )

Woah! I hold our combined dreams and go to the boundless paradise
On a distant road that I dashed through, where things I lose won’t even be found anymore
I didn’t know anything to doubt

We’ll say goodbye, lost Heaven
How we longed for Heaven.
We’re letting go of something we never had.
Time goes so fast, Heaven is lost.

The dream that I reached out my hand for and grabbed is a softly crumbling sandcastle
I simply stood still on the branched road, leaving behind a smile
I go to the paradise that you, who vanished, drew

We’ll say goodbye, lost Heaven.
How we longed for Heaven.
We’re letting go of something we never had.
Time goes so fast, Heaven is lost.

The surfaced stardust that can’t become one; a red bouquet for one performance’s end

Even if it’s a mirage ahead of my view when I dashed out
We’ll say goodbye, lost Heaven

We’ll say goodbye, lost Heaven
How we longed for Heaven.
We’re letting go of something we never had.
Time goes so far, Heaven!

We’ll say goodbye, lost Heaven
How we longed for Heaven.
We’re letting go of something we never had.
Time goes so fast, Heaven is lost.

I wish you good luck. I still remember every day.

Torn to Tattered

Torn To Tattered Lyrics by Carbon Leaf

In a classroom somewhere alone
Looking at the window scene
Tune out the tutor in me
Sun is going down through the line of trees
I day dream
And in my head I walk along
All the paths we have been on
There is a chance to bridge the line
Between two points ruptured in time
You lived your life like nothing else mattered
And now you're torn, torn to tattered


And I don't need any apology
And you know I don't need any apology
And it's a long walk away
Oh, it's a long walk away
Torn, tattered. torn...
Certain things make me feel
Like it was when we could steal
The magic of moments real
Revisit. remember. reunion. re-ember
The white smell of burning leaves
Walk along...
You walk the path like Charlie Brown
You're full of hope, but with your head down
And you only have one eye to see
The other's closed, and too scared to peak
And silence of the heart can leave you shattered
And now you're torn, torn to tattered

Through the line of trees I dream
of only good remembering
I think of you. was it...
Was it ever so bad my friend? And what was...
What was ever so bad my friend?
And in my head I walk along,
All of the paths we should be on
The sun is down, enjoyed the dream
I'm full of hope, that you think of me
I think of you and how much you mattered
When I'm torn, torn to tattered

congratulations !

haha... first and foremost...

"OFFICIALLY" congrats ben ben !

now mahjong cannot play with you liao... got lady luck ... or rather.. "sure win" with you...hahaha...




ok now back to my own life. -_-

i broke a new record for time slept during lecture... basically just slept thru the whole afternoon lecture today... even though i was sitting quite near to the lecturer... who, according to my frds, "looked" at me a few times as well

and oh.. this is because i had a overnight studying session at the Superbowl Jurong macdonalds together with Fund ( Last paper thursday ) and Max ( Last paper today ) ... 9+ to around... i think 4+

Had quite a fruitful session... managed to get one whole lecture chapter in my head... and various other information.

kk running out of time. got too much assignments / tests coming. shall make things short.

1) fund ... ur laughing vid is in my hands ... 1 min and 44 secs ... when i'm free i'll convert it and spread it about...

2) "OH MY GAAWD . OH MY GAAWD !!! WE HAVE A GAME ! LETS GO !!!" i never seen a commentator ever in my life with such a squeeky voice and strange... way of saying things.... shall spread the "noise" around if i ever get the chance. and yea. that video was ownage. Marvel vs Capcom 2 ... cyclops 1 v 3 magneto, psylocke and storm ( i think ) and won. ownage. ownage. ownage

3) sleep deprivation leads me to say the darndest things.

4) for those who dunno... i just found out i have a alter-ego today. He appears whenever my hair swings the other direction. Trust me... he's 1000 times more "ME" than me.... and i'm trying hard to keep him leashed inside.

5) lack of sleep makes me emo easily.

6) i just can't help but drown inside whenver i get emo

kk nuff said. planning to finish PY1101 essay by next week and also counselling + effective writing assignments. but i've got no freaking idea what to do for statistics group project...

smoke on the water

>.<"

now another person knows. haha.

and that person had been noticing it for some time... only confirmed with me last night.

haha. is it really that obvious ?

hm.....

Birthday Animal !!! ( I'm a Skunk ... )

January 01 - 09 ~ As.s
January 10 - 24 ~ Sl.ug
January 25 - 31 ~ Cockroach

February 01 - 05 ~ Parasite
February 06 - 14 ~ Bullfrog
February 15 - 21 ~ Skunk
February 22 - 28 ~ Snake

March 01 - 12 ~ Ape
March 13 - 15 ~ Cockroach
March 16 - 23 ~ Sl.u.g
March 24 - 31 ~ Parasite

April 01 - 03 ~ A.s.s
April 04 - 14 ~ Snake
April 15 - 26 ~ Sl.u.g
April 27 - 30 ~ Skunk

May 01 - 13 ~ S.lu-g
May 14 - 21 ~ Bullfrog
May 22 - 31 ~ Cockroach

June 01 - 03 ~ S-lu-g
June 04 - 14 ~ Skunk
June 15 - 20 ~ A-s.s
June 21 - 24 ~ Ape
June 25 - 30 ~ Parasite

July 01 - 09 ~ Sl-u.g
July 10 - 15 ~ A.s-s
July 16 - 26 ~ Bullfrog
July 27 - 31 ~ Parasite

August 01 - 15 ~ Ape
August 16 - 25 ~ S.l-u.g
August 26 - 31 ~ Skunk

September 01 - 14 ~ Bullfrog
September 15 - 27 ~ Parasite
September 28 - 30 ~ A-s.s


October 01 - 15 ~ Ape
October 16 - 27 ~ Skunk
October 28 - 31 ~ Snake

November 01 - 16 ~ Cockroach
November 17 - 30 ~ Parasite

December 01 - 16 ~ A.s-s
December 17 - 25 ~ Ape
December 26 - 31 ~ Bullfrog


If you are a A-s.s : A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth!! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of them being quality-personified.

If you are a S-l.u-g: Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all get-tog ether's. However, you are sensitive which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!

If you are a Cockroach: Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight. An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people. You love being loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!!! Well, well... Hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work done. So be careful.....

If you are a Parasite: An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances you're cool but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird. People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion.
Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends.

If you are a Skunk: You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people.
You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind one's back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys.

If you are a Bullfrog: You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware, it is easy for you to fall in love....

If you are a Snake: You are mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group. Very prim and proper. You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.

If you are a Ape: Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!!

About my declining heart condition

Ok ... basically... i've been going for a series of checks recently for my heart... as in REALLY MY HEART... not love matters watsoeva...

Current conclusion :small residual VSD + dilated aortic roar + right bundle branch block + abnormal bigger aorta

for those who dunno...

1) I've one of the rarer type of heart diseases around... called Doubly committed subarterial ventricular septal defects ( DCSA VSD ). I got it when i was born.

2) It was patched up when i was 2.5 years old... and i've been going for annual checkups all these years w/o problems... except for this year...

3) For the first time... INITIALLY STARTED WITH MY ECG... my ECG became abnormal... Right Bundle Branch Block
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Right_bundle_branch_block

basically some electric current or wateva is not functioning properly... but that's not the main problem..

4) now here comes another problem... which is that there's still a tiny leak ( the residual VSD ) in my heart... which is common amongst the patients who have VSD... so there's a slight murmur... and wateva stuff... just confirmed it after the suspicion all these years...

5) dilated aortic roar... i've no idea what this really means and there's almost nil info about this on the net.. probably has a "proper" medical term to it which i dunno... but i suspect its due to my blood flow in my heart or something not being high enough.. probably something like low blood pressure in a certain area of my heart or something.. probably related to the next problem though upon reading it..

6) The biggest worry / problem at the moment...SUSPECTED Enlarged Aorta... A.K.A. Aortic Aneurysm... basically you can read about it here. it was found while the doc did an echocardiograph on me...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aortic_aneurysm

"An aortic aneurysm is a general term for any swelling (dilatation or aneurysm) of the aorta, usually representing an underlying weakness in the wall of the aorta at that location. While the stretched vessel may occasionally cause discomfort, a greater concern is the risk of rupture, which causes severe pain; massive internal hemorrhage; and, without prompt treatment, results in a quick death."

GG... my aorta's slightly... actually relatively larger than normal... and my doc's a bit worried...

so i'm basically going to do a treadmill / stress ECG on thursday 29th november... to see if there's any other abnormalities...

sigh. suddenly in one year so many complications appear. what the hell...

and so my doc has told me to lay off doing contact sports, isometric exercises, and heavy loads for a while...

Ahhhhh i still want to play sports... take it away from me... and u're killing a part of my life....

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i really wanna apologise to anyone who's worried about me... feeling damn screwed up now...

P.S. : when you go out with me.. please set 995 to ur quick dial number.

P.S.S : Please do not ... exclude me from any activities because of these T_T i beg you all... me want badminton ~ me want soccer ~ T_T T_T T_T sob sob sob

P.S.S.S : if you see me suddenly cringe in pain, grasp my heart / chest area, break out in cold sweat ... whatever... call the freaking ambulance immediately ... haha... still got so many things to do... i dun wanna go so fast now... haha...

P.S.S.S.S : if i really do die... whomever know who the ice cream girl is.. pls go tell her about it... and i just wanna tell everybody that i love them, and i'm sorry for the trouble, pain, and everything else i've brought about to their lives... dun cry for me too much.

P.S.S.S.S.SSSSSHUT UP !!!!!!!!! haha :P nuff' said ~

Evolve !

its really interesting after looking back... the effects of extremely strong late night kopi ....

firstly .... i turned super high... talked a lot of funny stuff like royal highness , royal flush , water melon + toast and honest honey lemons and stuff...

then ... suddenly... i turned into a preacher. talked serious stuff with a few people.

wow. late night coffee. i'll never see it in the same way again

lalalalala

bored. and stupid starhub is lagging EXTREMELY badly for overseas sites... perhaps some under-sea cable burst or whatever...

feel like i'm falling sick too... the signs are all there... puffy eyes... sore throat... blocked nose ... ahhh ... the weather's been really really cooling / wet lately... so probably that's the reason why...

and so tomorrow's my check up for my heart again... see how the results go ... hopefully i can get a letter for downgrading my PES status. Army people know what this means... basically its just a medical classification system to see how "fit" you are... and assign u your roles into combat, service , clerk, etc etc etc. i wanna downgrade so i dun need to do IPPT / NAPHA ( or however u spell it) ... and ensure that i dun accidentally get posted to some cok reservist unit watsoeva.. PES C1 is the suckiest PES one can ever get... on the border between combat fit and service... + still need to do IPPT... zzzzz hopefully can get C9 or at least C2.... PERMANENTLY.

i wanna ice skate. i wanna eat. i wanna play guitar. i wanna finish up my piano piece. but i just feel so lazy and sick now. and got so many projects / assignments / mid-terms upcoming... zzzzz

yawnz.

I'm awake ... once again.

eyyy... once again thanks for waking me up from this nightmare...

sick and tired

i just dun have the strength to go on i guess.

i'll just save it for my tears.

and speaking of which... crying does help to clear blocked noses... especially when you're falling sick...

I can't lie, but i do know how to hide away these ....

ok i can't lie to people... my act blur face / wateva makes me have a "chicken-backside smile" according to people... haha...

but i realised at the same time... i'm getting more and more used to hiding my true feelings away.

how ironic.

i don't deserve happiness. i must never forget this.

random musings once again

hmmm the world is a small place. haha....


class was funny ... esp with the coconut and disney pillow.... haha... and eileen went around giving the "sushi plaster".... and telling teoh ai ni that by flashing that plaster ... u can get 20% discount off at sakae sushi... -_-" which obviously is soooooo not true... can't imagine what will happen if she really does that though...

went to orchard today to eat... then since there was nothing better to do... went to walk around for a while... super tiring when its carrying a heavy bag around...

managed to get some comics which i wanted... esp the ones that comics connection doesnt sell... which i have no idea why... maybe the theme was too explicit + dark ...

then went to jurong point... just missed jeanette i guess... cause she was about to go home.. then she just arrived at the mrt platform... while i just got off... haha... then thanks to her... saw fund and co. for a short short while... then i had to go off cause of dinner at home...haha...

sianz. wanted to do work just now. then i ended up sleeping due to a slight headache. just woke up not too long ago... die liao la... need to hand up work on thursday ... must chiong tomorrow then...

tired.

never say never ? hm... i really dunno. perhaps it applies to you cause u've been through and had the experience before... for me... things just don't come true i guess... story of my life... haha...

and...as to regards to your "attempt-to-wateva" skills... she's a nice girl... just that... she probably lacks one impt factor that i've never told anyone... haha... which i wont say of course. so dun bother... haha...

i'm hungry. and its quite a cold night.

i wish i had some hot pipping noodles in soup right now....

"Libera Me" From Hell from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann by Iwasaki Taku

Requiem æternam. Dona eis, Domine
Libera me, Domine, de morte æterna,
in die illa tremenda. in die illa
Quando coeli movendi sunt et terra,
Dum veneris judicare
sæculum per ignem.
Tremens factus sum ego et timeo,
dum discussio venerit atque ventura ira.
Dies illa, dies iræ,
calamitatis et miseriæ,
dies illa dies magna
et amara valde. et amara valde
Requiem æternam, dona eis Domine
Requiem æternam, dona eis Requiem
et lux perpetua luceat eis
Libera me, Domine.
Libera me, Domine

{Grant them eternal rest, Lord.
Free me, Lord, from eternal death
on that terrible day, on the day
The heavens and earth will be moved,
When you will come to judge
the age by fire.
I dread and tremble for
the scattering to come and your wrath.
That day, the day of wrath,
of calamity and wretchedness,
that day, that terrible day.
and intense bitterness, and intense bitterness
Grant them eternal rest, Lord
Rest, eternal rest grant them
and eternal light shine upon them
Free me, Lord.
Free me, Lord.}

do the impossible, see the invisible
raw! raw! fight the power!
touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable
raw! raw! fight the power!

power to the peeps, power for the dream
still missing piece scattering, so incomplete
we be the most incredible soldier from underground
see how easy they all fall down
digging to the core to see the light
Let's get out of here babe, that's the way to survive
top of the head, I'm on the set
do the impossible, don't you wanna bet?
cuz, a lot of things changed, we be waiting in vain
if you wanna get by, no pain no gain
wow! fakers wanna test me again
sorry, my rhyme's gonna snatch your brain, yo

I'm still starving for the straight up shit
we gonna make it happen with the crazy rap skill
get ready to rumble, now is the time, uh huh
if you don't know, now you know

(good luck fellows!)

[Libera me, Domine, de morte æterna,
in die illa tremenda. in die illa
Quando coeli movendi sunt et terra,
Dum veneris judicare
sæculum per ignem.
Tremens factus sum ego et timeo,
dum discussio venerit atque ventura ira.]

{Free me, Lord, from eternal death
on that terrible day, on the day
The heavens and earth will be moved,
When you will come to judge
the age by fire.
I dread and tremble for
the scattering to come and your wrath.}

2nd verse dedicates to the real peeps
what we got to say is so real thing
cuz, revolution ain't never gonna televise
kicking the mad flow, microphone phenotype
open your third eye, seeing through the overground
I'm about to hit you with the scream from the underground
whole city is covered with the cyber flavor
"G" is in your area, one of the toughest enigma

[Dies illa, dies iræ,
calamitatis et miseriæ]

{That day, the day of wrath,
of calamity and wretchedness}

do the impossible, see the invisible [dies illa]
raw! raw! fight the power! {that day}
touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable [dies magna]
raw! raw! fight the power! {that terrible day}

what you gonna do is what you wanna do [et amara valde]
just break the rule, then you see the truth {and intense bitterness}
this is the theme of "G" coming through baby! [et amara valde]
raw! raw! fight the power! {and intense bitterness}
FIGHT THE POWER!!

do the impossible, see the invisible [Requiem æternam]
raw! raw! fight the power!
touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable {Grant them}
raw! raw! fight the power!

what you gonna do is what you wanna do [dona eis Domine]
just break the rule, then you see the truth (raw! raw! fight the power!)
this is the theme of "G" coming through baby! {eternal rest, Lord}
raw! raw! fight the power!

do the impossible, see the invisible [Requiem æternam]
raw! raw! fight the power!
touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable {Rest, eternal rest}
raw! raw! fight the power!

what you gonna do is what you wanna do [dona eis Requiem]
just break the rule, then you see the truth (raw! raw! fight the power!)
this is the theme of "G" coming through baby! {grant them}
raw! raw! fight the power!

what you gonna do is what you wanna do [et lux perpetua luceat eis]
just break the rule, then you see the truth
this is the theme of "G" coming through baby!
raw! raw! fight the power! {and eternal light shine upon them}

do the impossible, see the invisible [Libera me, Domine.]
raw! raw! fight the power! {Free me, Lord.}

raw! raw! fight the power!
raw! raw! fight the power!
raw! raw! fight the power!
raw! raw! fight the power!
raw! raw! fight the power!
raw! raw! fight the power!
raw! raw! fight the power! [Libera me, Domine]
raw! raw! fight the power! {Free me, Lord}

raw! raw! fight the power!
raw! raw! fight the power!

lost

Feeling lost.

What do i really want ?

What do i want to do ?

Just when i've managed to move on from one thing... something else just gets in the way.

Tired.

Climbing the stairs out of this pit... but it just seems endless... and it gets steeper and steeper....

If you're NOT MENTALLY or EMOTIONALLY PREPARED... DO NOT READ

Ok i'm going to be just very very very brutally honest here. So just screw off if you think its better not to know what i'm about to write. i'm dead serious. its better off if u dunno what i'm about to say... but if u really want to know... just go ahead

































































i've just have had too many people coming up to me recently and telling me what to do with my life.... telling me they understand how i feel... telling me this... telling me that... ahhhhhhh whatever...

No. 1) I'm not as stupid as some people think. I know what i am doing.

No. 2) You all say that i must change. For whatever's sake... I KNOW THAT.

No. 3) Stop assuming you all know how i feel and think... YOU ALL DON'T



I really hate it this way. As if people are just invading my personal space. If i don't wanna talk about it, then i don't. If i do... then good for you. But stop fucking pushing me already. Its irritating at times.

And.. I'm not a freaking person who's made up of glass. Stop assuming u know how i'm feeling at each particular moment. For god's sake... one person's meat is another's poison... dun assume that ur joke will be fine with me.... be more tactful...

You may think that i'm just being childish or watsoeva... but ... what the fuck man... its happened many times already and i've already held back ranting a lot of times.

PLEASE I KNOW HOW I FEEL... I DON'T NEED PEOPLE TO TEACH ME HOW TO FEEL AND WHAT TO FEEL ... I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I'M FEELING ... I KNOW ! I'M NOT A PUPPET ON YOUR FREAKING PUPPET SHOW !

YOU WANT ME TO CHANGE ? I AM ! JUST THAT ITS TAKING TIME. CAN YOU ALL HAVE SOME FUCKING PATIENCE ?

I KNOW THAT I'M A FUCKING EMO KID. BUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT EXACTLY? YOU ALL KEEP SAYING THAT I NEED TO CLEAR MY EMO PROBLEMS ... BUT HEY.. WHAT THE FUCK ? NOBODY IS PERFECT. AND EVERYBODY NEEDS THEIR OWN PRIVATE SPACE. EVERYBODY ALSO HAS THEIR OWN FREAKING PROBLEMS BUT IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT I TEND TO SHOW IT MORE OBVIOUSLY... I KNOW THAT THERE ARE FRIENDS BUT DUN TRY TO PRY ME OPEN... I WILL OPEN UP WHEN I AM READY...

YOU ALL SAY " WHY NOT? " ... BUT I KNOW THAT IT CAN'T BE DONE. YOU ALL PRESS ME FURTHER... AND ONCE I TELL YOU WHY... SOMETIMES, YOU ALL KNOW DEEP DOWN THAT ITS IMPOSSIBLE TOO... AND FOR FEAR OF TELLING ME THE CRUEL TRUTH... YOU ALL JUST COME UP WITH SOME RANDOM PHILOSOPHICAL, GURU-LIKE, MUMBO-JUMBO STUFF TO TRY NOT TO MAKE ME FEEL WORSE... PLEASE I KNOW WHATS GOING ON BETTER THAN YOU ALL DO....

THATS WHY PEOPLE SAY I'M PESSIMISTIC. CAUSE I KNOW. I PREDICT CORRECTLY. NOT BECAUSE I WANT IT TO HAPPEN THIS WAY... SO STOP SAYING THAT I'M THE ONE WHO'S HOLDING BACK !

yea.... just some ramblings... i know some people reading this will think that i'm specfically targetting at them... but i'm not... honestly... its just a result of my bottling up... and i dun like the way some people... actually most people... undermine my feelings and the way i behave.. and why i do so... probably they'll understand a bit better after reading this post

i REALLY REALLY do understand that its out of concern ... but yea... i just feel that its already been taken one step too far ahead from my stand. please dun be too offended...but this is all i really wanna say... dun wanna bottle this up any longer. But... yea... i think some things will never be the same again ...

Hate is the only thing that lasts forever...

I'm going to make the world hate me.

Take my word for it.

It'll come true

Vocaloid Hatsune Miku Clock

hahaha... added a new thing to my blog... a clock shockwave file... haha... click on her for her to say the time in jap... or click on the note for her to sing her song...

her name's Hatsune Miku ... originally from a computer program developed by yamaha

can read more here -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vocaloid

hmmm.... all roads lead to rome ?

Caught in no-mans-land...

Where do i go from here?

The Curse of Laplace's Demon strikes again

hehe. on target once again.

somehow i just wish that something out of my calculations / predictions / visions would happen...

T_T The Wind That Disappears Into The Twilight...

Clannad Ep 7 . Ahhhhh

Seeing those sad scenes early in the morning is just bringing tears to my eyes...

I can't bear to watch the next episode now .... the last part of this arc... and the title of the next episode ( title of this post ) is already one helluva giveaway that the next episode is gonna be a tearjerker...

Damn. I'm just a sucker for this kinda drama-rama, tearjerking, bittersweet endings... but ahhh... its been such a long time since a anime has made such an impact on me...

meals, jackpots, bosses....

Super tired. Super tiring badminton session yesterday after classes in the morning. And somehow my body clock is so well adapted to waking up early now... at just 8+ in the morning ... Ok la... my muscles aren't aching as bad as expected... probably because of the arcade and walking about did some "cooling-down" for the muscles... haha...

And i seriously wonder how many meals i owe ... and how many people liao... lost count liao... got 5 hands also cannot count i think...

Very interesting news last night... hm... which can't be said... but lets say that the "trade" industry is currently on a boom.... haha...

KK... my mind izzn't turning too fast in the morning yet... shall go play my piano now... haha...

And oh... congratulations miss chewy for hitting the jackpot 3 times in a row.... 3 times in 3 badminton sessions... time to buy 4d , toto , etc etc etc....

Wana - The Back Horn

絶望は甘い罠　鎖されたその扉
心が戦場だから誰にも救えない

ゼンマイの心臓が運命に操られ
ブリキの兵隊達は殺戮を始める

命さえも玩ぶのか　壊れかけたおとぎの国で
胸の奥に走る痛みをどうかずっと忘れぬままで

欲望は毒林檎　手に入れたものは何？
未来の子供達へと遺せるものは何？

愛を知らず揺れるゆりかご　燃え尽きてく眠りの森で
共に生きる喜びさえも消えてしまう　遠く

優しさを信じ　全てを許して
慈しむように　ただわかちあって　わかりあって

命さえも玩ぶのか　壊れかけたおとぎの国で
胸の奥に走る痛みをどうかずっと忘れぬままで

愛を知らず揺れるゆりかご　何故僕らは生まれたのだろう
遥か彼方　祈りのような子守歌が響く

優しさを信じ　全てを許して
慈しむように　ただわかちあって　わかりあって

Despair is an alluring trap, a door that shuts you in.
My heart is a battlefield, so I can't tell anyone.

Their clockwork hearts are manipulated by destiny,
The tin-plate soldiers begin their massacre.

Are lives playthings too, in this crumbling fairy tale kingdom?
Please, don't ever forget the pain that runs deep in your heart.

Desire is a poisoned apple. What is it that you have obtained?
What are we going to pass on to the children of tomorrow?

The rocking cradle that knows not love, in this sleeping forest as it burns to the ground,
You are so distant that even the joy of being alive with you is disappearing.

Believe in kindness and forgive everything.
Share with others, understand each other, so that we may learn to love.

Are lives playthings too, in this crumbling fairy tale kingdom?
Please, don't ever forget the pain that runs deep in your heart.

The rocking cradle that knows not love, why were we born into this world?
In faraway lands, the prayer-like lullaby resounds.

Believe in kindness and forgive everything.
Share with others, understand each other, so that we may learn to love.

Let It Begin...

I'm so going to win this bet....

I'm so going to move on....

I'm so gonna climb out of this pit....

I'm so gonna win this meal.... hyuk hyuk hyuk

But...In the end... All that matters is that we all get out of this madness.... climb out of this pit....

And like you said... fly like the wind....

Guess that its some sorta wake-up call for me... haha... really thanks a lot for the chat last night... And thanks for the mp3s... esp the 2nd one...

"It ain't a scene, its a GOD ~ DAMN ~ ARMS ~ RACE ~ "

And hm... today i went for my annual check-up for my heart. ( hole in the heart for those who don't know ) ... and something was wrong... it was fine all the previous years... but this year.. my ECG was abnormal. I also saw it... and thought something was wrong... ( i know cause i've been a medic before... ). And the doc said that there was a slight heart murmur... which is equivalent to a small tiny leak...

Because back then around the late 80's when i had my operation... technology wasn't that advanced yet, so it was common for people who had their holes in the heart ( Ventricular Septum Disease )patched up to have a small tiny leak / hole ...

Got to go back next Friday on the 23rd for slightly more checks... if there's anything really wrong... leaks , etc etc etc.... i might have to go for some 24-hour ECG monitoring thing... and worse case scenario... a 2nd operation... haha... maybe i'm just making it sound too serious here... cause as far as i know... ECGs aren't exactly that good indicators...

oh well wateva... i'm not gonna be too bothered about it... i'm just gonna do what i do normally... despite some "kind advice" from my parents on what to do and what not to do... like making a fuss over it... i understand that they are just trying to care for me... but haha... i think its un-necessary.... i'm just gonna go do sports and watsoeva ...

And oh... the only good news i got today.... is that .... i realise... despite all my eatings... despite my lack of exercise... my weight has maintained since my army days... no more no less... ( i've not checked my weight for i think about a year... ) still around the same range... haha... ( which i'm not gonna say of course ) ... which is a "good sign" to me... which means that i can eat a lot .... with minimal exercise... and still maintain my weight... haha....no need to worry much about it then...

And once again... yea... GO GO GO LETS ALL CLIMB OUT OF THE PIT AND MOVE ON ~~~~

Hmmm

Hm... saw this on max's blog... although i too personally haven't really heard the song before.. but the lyrics just ... sort of ... appeal to me..


_______________
Happiness - The Fray
_______________


Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home

Voices

Every now and then... i hear this voice... my voice....

"Impossible"

Yes... i know... i don't you to tell me...

"Why cling on to impossible dreams?"

Yes... Yes... stop fucking around with my mind...

"Why do you try to grasp something which is impossible... and only leaves you with nothing but pain in the end... "

AHH I KNOW BUT STOP IT ! IT'S ALREADY FRUSTRATING ENOUGH AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO REMIND ME...

I realise that... i've been unable to find any outlets for frustration recently... everything's been bottling up.

Really pushing me to my limits sometimes.

Frustrated with life. Frustrated with my life. Frustrated with everything.

"An Eye That Sees Too Much... Will Slowly Eat Away At Its Owner's Sanity... "

Do As Infinity - Tangerine Dream

Zawameku machi ga nemuri ni tsuite
Iiyou no nai fuan ga kubi wo motageru

Yume mo negai mo tsukamaetakute
Oikaketeba ou hodo ni kyori wo kanji ni

Nido to nai kono toki nigezu ni
Tomaru koto naku koto sonna no
Itsudemo dekiru ne

Futo ki ga tsuku to ojikezuiteru
Nichijou no kurikaeshi no narehajimeteru

Hitamuki ni motomete kizutsuki
Kaketa ita yureteru jidai wo
Ano koro bokura wa

'Genki datta?' juwaki no mukou
Itsumo no koe yuuki wo kureru yo

Hohoemi mo namida mo subete wo
Uketomete ikiteku mirai ni

Itsu no hi ka itsuka wa kanarazu
Bokutachi no negai wa todoku to
Shinjite iru kara



The murmuring city goes to sleep
And an anxiety I can't put into words rears its head

The distance feels greater the more I chase
After my dreams and desires to catch them both

This moment will never exist again; don't run away
Stopping and crying... such things
Can be done at any time

When I stop to think about it, I am afraid;
I've started to get used to the routines of daily life

During the uncertain times when we were racing,
Getting hurt from single-mindedly wanting something
Back then, we were...

"How've you been?" That familiar voice
I hear through the receiver gives me courage

A future where we can live,
Accepting everything from smiles to tears

I believe that
our desires will reach that future
Some day, sometime, for sure.

Somehow i just felt like digging this old post of mine up...

I've stopped dreaming since a long time ago.
I Don't even dare to dream anymore.
My hopes, dreams, and wishes ultimately become my desperation.
My heart is in shambles. Fragile.
I Can't take anymore blows.
So please.. don't show me hope and then take it all away...
I'ld rather live a life without any hope at all.
I don't dare to take that first step out...
To break out of my heart-wrenching fate.
If life is a dream, just kill me.

I envy those close to me. I see them enjoying their lives.
I can only mourn and regret my own predicament.
Sometimes.. it's not just about the individual having the will to take the first step..nor the determination to change things...
It's just.. impossible...

Help can never be around all the time.
A life of fantasy
A life where there'll always be someone around for you.
Impossible.
I'ld rather give up from the start,
than to try and get hurt again.
Would this lessen my pain?
I have no idea.
But i'll definitely live a life of regret and despair.

I told someone recently, not to let fear of rejection rule his life.
But.. who am i kidding?
I'm the one living in this fear...
Trying to avoid rejection... by not letting hope come in in the first place.
Bring me to the heavens and back to hell...
I'ld rather avoid that trip.
Blind me, Kill me, Tear out my heart.
This pain grows... wallowing in my sorrow...

I crave so much for the light.
Yet i fear it at the same time.
I see a rose in the distance.
A bloody rose.
Full of life and vibrancy.
The desire to obtain it is overwhelming.
Always stuck in my thoughts,
Eating into my soul.
This craving is just killing me.
"Why not pick it up?" you say...
Yet i know.. that in the end i'll only get hurt,
by its rosy thorns.
Innocence. Beauty. Pureness.
Yet it can only hurt once obtained.
And in the end.. the rose will wither...
Gone it will be... forever...
Yet only pain remains....
If only.. i'ld never seen the rose in the first place,
I'ld never have to go through this pain.

I'm so afraid of myself.
I know that once i obtain something i've craved for so long...
I'll only be over-obsessive.
I'll only scare and chase it away in the end.
I'll only end up hurting the ones closest to me.
I never want to be in this kind of situation.
Shutting out everyone from me is the path i've taken.
Sometimes wondering if i've taken the right path...
Once too many times.. my predictions have come true....
Being able to think... is my bane...
Seeing only darkness....

Chain me down forever in this darkness.
Let me sleep and have beautiful dreams...
Dreams that i won't wake up from...
For i know that if i wake up...
Only pain and fear awaits me.



now looking back... i really feel that i've lost my inspiration for writing this kinda stuff now... really missing it though... maybe someday it'll just hit me again in class like the last time it did...

EVEN MORE !!!

ok ... suddenly i was just thinking of my ideal dying situation... strange thing to think of.. but it'ld go along something like this.

I'm just lying in the middle of the road. All alone. My wrist is cut...top down... not across... bleeding all the way. Rain pours down heavily on me... on my face... my vision blurring... my mind still clear. Strength slowly drains out from me... Life slowly fades away....my limbs go numb... all thats left is the silent scream...

Strange i guess. But this would definitely reflect my feelings about life at the moment.

Craving for Hope in Despair

Dying due to loss of blood... my strength is drained. All i can do is think about the past slowly before i die. Past events flash across me. Regrets fill up my thoughts. Nothing i can do to change them. Neither can i do anything anymore... except just submit to my fate...and i realise that all i've done is meaningless... Yet at the same time... i'm hoping not to die... thats why i dun choose a method of quick death... but a slow death... hoping for someone to appear... to save me from my despair... but chances are... it'll never happen...

Cold, harsh reality

Rain pouring down on my face. Its so cold. All alone... and even the heavens mock me... my life is nothing but a tool of entertainment for others...

Sigh. i think the more i write... the more i'm drowning. Sometimes i really dunno how to bring out my feelings anymore. But i'm still hoping that someone would understand it... sigh. I'm really going mad... insane.

I dunno when i'll just crack the next time. Its getting more and more frequent. Like i almost lost it during stats class yesterday actually... almost... sighz.

Life...

back for more random rantings

ok somehow i feel like ranting a lot tonight. a lot. a lot.

nothing every goes right.

at least not in the way i want it to be.

in the end... i end up facing situations where i am ... forced to continue to lie to people.

can be really very tiring.

stop lying? not possible

just tell the truth !? not possible

life is really fucked up for me... nothing is turning out right !

since long long ago....

Really... EVERY SINGLE TIME ... it just has to screw up. getting stuck in situations where i can't look back .... nor can i look forward. just being slowly squeezed to death.

Every SINGLE Time... something different will happen. The only thing is... all of them leave me screwed up.

Was.Is. And will forever be.

Reverse Polarity

Ok. Not-So-New-Fact to remind myself....

GOD PLS ... REMIND YOUR FUCKING SELF THAT YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS SCREWED AND EVERYTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE

ok. i seriously dun understand why. why. why. why. why. why. why.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING.

WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING THIS.

WHY THE FUCK DO I CONTINUE TO LIE TO MYSELF.

WHY THE FUCK DO I CONTINUE TO LIE TO OTHERS.

WHY THE FUCK DO I CONTINUE TO LIE TO YOU ?

Once again... let me reiterate... things are never what they seem on the surface... there's always 2 sides to everything... but can others see the other side of the coin ?

and... i know its impossible. zettai. absolutely. 100% chop stamp + garuntee.

Cause i know....

Cause i know....

somehow i've just managed to screw up the situation even further. so ... forget it i guess... move on man... move on ...

Q&A session

Q: Ok ... so who do u like ?
A: Hm... i love my books

Q: As in... a person... someone ?
A: Oh er... i love my mum, i love my dad, i love my sisters...

Q: WA LAO STOP DEVIATING AND TELL ME WHO U LIKE LA ! AS IN GIRL-BOY THAT KIND !
A: Huh... girl-boy? why not boy-boy, girl-girl, or even girly man ( pls search for girly man on youtube and u'll understand what i mean... the indian thriller one )

Q: ... ... ... Ok.. is there any GIRL from SCHOOL whom u like ... dun play around with me or i'll really blow my top...
A: Hmmm girl from school.... including lecturers and tutors ?

Q: WTF OMG BBQ STOP WASTING MY TIME HERE !!! JUST FREAKING TELL ME WHO U LIKE !!!
A: Hm... i like BBQ chicken wings also ! I dun think they're a waste of my time ...

* CUT !!!! *

* Scene shifts to see where u see mr. "A" being drowned in the sea in a pig's cage"



Ok... i've been asked THE SAME QUESTION by quite a few people in one night.... whether i like this ... certain person.... just because i described the type of girl that i like... 5 qualities...from a truth or dare session... -_-"

1) Talkative
2) Intellectual
3) Sporty
4) Shoulder length hair ( dun ask me why but i prefer it this way.. )
5) Average looking & above i guess.... ( WHATEVER .... )

Please ar... with these 5 qualities i mentioned... people can just pick about anyone from the streets.. or some frd's frd's frd's frd.... etc etc etc... dun need to speculate about who i like.... currently i'm just focusing on my books... like or dun like.. it doesn't matter cause i'm not intending to do anything at this period of time... at least not when my life is quite screwed.

I'm not gonna mention names or what-so-ever... so if u all want to keep on guessing then ... i can't stop u all as well...

And to summarize it all... i'm gonna quote ticky... and his :

"And suddenly, he came to realise that all the girls he has been adoring are either attached or so high up they're unattainable.

Tragically, they are not really aware of his presence.

What's wrong with him ? "

It's only words...

Words which can't be said.

Words which must be held back.

Words which may bring you to the heavens.

Words which may cause your world to crumble and fall.

Words.

The conflict.

To say or not to say?

Arrrr

Ok i've decided... i'm really not gonna take the risk...

maintain the status quo would be the best thing to do...

guess i'm just a coward.

hm....

firstly heypi deepavali ar everybody.... good luck to all the muggers out there whose exams are coming up....


its been a ... ok day for me i guess... just having lots of mixed emotions and thoughts now.

to sum it up...

take the risk... and if it doesnt work out... i may end up losing what i have now....

or ....

maintain the status quo... and live on... trying to move on.. and perhaps... regret that i didn't take the risk.

most likely... i already know what i'll do... just a matter of whether... i'm able to move on or not...

sigh.

choices.

When the truth is hidden by a veil of lies....

Withholding the truth is a terrible, terrible feeling. You just want to spit it all out... but u can't. Because you fear rejection. Because you fear losing everything you have...

But the fact is... everything was built based on lies in the first place.

How i wish i could tell the truth.

How i wish i could stop acting indifferently when i'm really affected

I may act nasty... but i do care...

I may act indifferent... but i am concerned...

I may act happy... but really i'm drained on the inside...

How much longer... must i keep up with this life of mine...

Was reading about Freud's theories on personalities... and defence mechanisms... i realize... that almost all 10 of them apply to me in daily life... especially the one on reaction formation... thinking and doing the opposite of what i really feel... and also displacement ... only that... i convert the emotional pain into physical pain...

As much as i try to tell myself that i don't deserve happiness... my heart still refuses to give in.

With each passing day... as i kill off my dreams slowly one by one... it feels as though... a part of me is dying each day.

Slicing, tearing, eating away....

I slowly rot away... but my heart still remains.

The only portion left untouched.

It seems so fragile... yet so bright... this darkness of mine is unable to pierce it...

Yet i know that its the source of all pain...

sighz

ok emo-ing again.

man... it hurts all so badly again.

gotta learn when to give up... when i know that its impossible...

but still... i can't let go...

haiz. sometimes i just wanna break down but i can't. i've got to continue pretending to be fine and as if nothing has happened. as if it doesn't matter. as if it doesn't concern me.

fuck it. really. fuck myself. fuck everything.

god i swear these are times when i really need my fucking jack knife. i really dunno where to channel all these emotions...

bonkers

ok. i'm definitely not in the right state of mind tonight. at least not after writing the last post and all those memories and regrets flooding back to me.

no link no link.... but still got link. No Link right ?

ok.... i'm bored. And i suddenly felt like blogging. Really nothing else to do... but i've no idea what to blog about.... just gonna crap crap crap whatever comes to my mind along the way... so there may be no link among the passages that i'm about to write...

if i were to write about my topic of expertise.... it'ld be too explicit... ( i'm pretty sure some people know which topic i'm referring to... ) so i shall not write about that...

just had a sushi dinner. home-made sushi. Sister & mum bought all the fresh ingredients from meidi-ya at Liang Court ... mainly toritake, jellyfish, sweet tamago, scallop, etc etc etc ... then my mum used half an hour to cook the rice for the sushi.. some "high-grade" rice that i saw on the name of the packet... and it's quite gd.... ended up helping out to make the sushi .. rolling it ... haha... quite ok la... not too bad for a first time making sushi.... quite filling also...

And oh... i apologise to anybody that i've snapped at recently... sometimes i'm just not in the mood to entertain while in the midst of emo-ing.

I guess that i'll shed some more light on why i go all emo... quite a few people have been asking me why...

Fear of happiness + Being extremely judgemental of myself + getting overwhelmed by regrets = Uber Pessimistic Me

I'ld basically say its a combination of these points above...

Where do i start... lets just say that i believe that happiness doesn't last forever. Good things come and go... never staying forever. I know that this is reality.. good things can't last forever... but i can't stop myself from hankering after it. Sometimes... after having lots of fun... and once the euphoria ends... it just feels so... empty. There's a hollowness within which is there all the time. It's just like... in the end... there's nothing left at all. Nothing left but pain. I hate this feeling. Absolutely. Thats why... if i ... try not to be happy... this feeling won't come right? Haha... perhaps it is a flawed ideal... and i know that its impossible to kill off these emotions of mine... so i'm stuck being the way i am. Some people have told me that the happiness attained.. would be greater than the pain felt... but... if there were no happiness in the first place... then there wouldn't be any pain...

Also... i tend to be very critical of myself. i always judge myself and my actions all the time... and i always love to look back... which is both my strength... and weakness... I keep telling myself... that i don't deserve happiness. Why? Because in the end... i'll end up destroying everything that i love. Too many times... in the past...i ended up in a wreck because of what i did. Stupid things. Stupid Stupid Stupid things. And i'm so afraid of making mistakes because of this. I don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want to hurt others also...

One incident that i still really really regret up till this day... and i don't know what drove me to do it... was one day after softball training during secondary school... our coach gathered around to talk to us... he was talking to us about being a team... like a family.... naturally everybody was all in unison... and suddenly... my coach... who was honestly... a person whom i look up to... ask me " I'm like a father to you all right ? Don't you agree ?"

I've got no idea what went through my mind back then. I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life... and i really still regret it up till today.

I said no.

No.

The atmosphere went all silent. The shocked look on his face. I can still remember it.

I said something which i did not want to say. I wanted to say yes. But i have no idea why the words NO came out instead.

It seemed like he was about to cry or something.

" Never mind... its ok "

And he just left.

Things would never go back to the way it once was.

I know that ... some people would think that i deserve to be fucked for saying that. I really wish that i could turn back time to change it... but it never will... it never will.... and it still haunts me up till today...

Looking back... i did many things to hurt other people. Ended up only getting hurt myself.

Too many regrets haunt me. I just can't let go. I'm just one fucked up bastard honestly... i hurt all the people around me.

When the things u love get hurt.... you'll feel hurt too... but ... when you're the one who's hurting the things you love... the pain is just unbearable.

I may seem strong on the outside... but i'm actually just fragile on the inside. I'm so afraid of making any more mistakes... so afraid of harming other people... that sometimes... i just tend to push them away...

It's just like a self defense mechanism now.. i don't want to get close to other people.

I'm afraid.

Afraid of happiness... gaining and losing it...

Afraid of myself... for only being able to destroy and hurt those close to me...

Afraid of opening up that door to my heart... which is already so fragile.

Many times i've cried myself to sleep. Thinking back about those events. Thinking about how i don't deserve happiness. Although inside... hope still lingers... for an angel to come into my life. But i know... that even an angel cannot save me ...

There is no redemption for me. Only eternal damnation awaits me.

yea yea just fuck it all

ahh fuck it.

i only hurt the people around me.

i say things i never should say...

i do things i never should do...

doing all these ... hurtful things... even though it hurts everybody so badly... including myself...

i don't understand myself anymore...

Too many regrets... Too much sorrow...

I don't deserve happiness.

what am i doing

Feeling down right now.... just feeling so lost.

I dunno what i'm doing with my life now.

There seems to be no... meaning to whatever i do now...

Just smiling happily away... but what the hell am i doing?

Sigh. Just feel like breaking down now....