still awake

i declare that i hate myself

gone case

yay. celebrate me spiraling down another level into insanity and torment.

congratulations to my screwed up life for going down another level.

congratulations to my emo side for taking over my life totally now.

woo hoo... i'm a brand new person!

lost

i really dunno what to say now... all these memories all flowing back to me. all my regrets. all my mistakes. all my screwups. wanna let go but i can't. the demons of my past refuse to go away.

i find myself... losing sight of everything now... i really feel that there's no future... and the past only holds sadness... totally no point in my life already.

just tired. tired.

why do i drag myself up everyday...

and its really sad... when ur life derails to the point where... even the nice good memories... bring so much pain to you...

i really dunno what to live for already.

FUCK IT I WANT THOSE MEMORIES OUT OF MY LIFE BUT I JUST CAN'T LET GO... WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I LET GO WHEN IT ONLY BRINGS PAIN.... WHY WHY WHY?????

o.O

ok i just realise my blog is getting more and more depressing.

hopefully it'll change for the better soon...

even though thats not likely in the near future...

3+ years later...

still can't let go.

i still haven't spoken to anyone about this issue. i keep trying .. not to think about it... but i just can't. it still hurts.

i... try to avoid it. i tell myself to stop thinking about it... stop looking at it... but i just can't yet.

i really take a long time to let go of things....usually years for those that were really impt.... one of the most significant things in my younger days... took me ard... 7-8 years to get over.. but almost had a relapse again a few years back.

just saw something earlier that really made me feel down... via a blog...

someone is one lucky person... haha... hope he really cherishes what he has....

i guess it hurts more when it's almost in ur grasp... but ... somehow it just slips by. but the pain is definitely not as bad as compared to having and losing it ...

how i miss my good old jack-knife from army days... the one which accompanied me thru BMT ... not too sharp.. not too blunt... just nice for taking away this emotional pain... and converting it into physical pain...

i dunno what to do to divert all the pain away... haiz.

i know i have to let go. but i cant. sigh.

by the way if u want to cut ur own wrist.. dun cut across the wrist...cause in the end ur blood will clot up... cut it via a straight line on the vein from the elbow towards the wrist or vice versa... that's the 100% foolproof way to do it... not like what u see in those stupid TV or movies...

@#$@#

thinking about the past. looking at the past.

sigh.

so many things to think about today

Why are we so powerless? When we want to help people the most....we just can't do a single thing about it. Makes me feel extremely useless. I see other people suffering... nothing much i can do to help. Offering advice is useless. Doing anything else is wrong. The only thing i can do is listen to the frustrations. Haiz. Words are really useless.... haiz. I can't help people to break these chains... their burdens.. their worries... i really want to help... but yet again i'm powerless... i ain't no god ...

Then also... i feel so lost. Have i really let go?

Lying alone in this field of flowers at night... gazing at the stars.... the warm breeze across my face... yet ... i feel empty.

The invisible daggers. The invisible cage. My heart is a minefield.

Anything can trigger it to go off. And all the sad memories will keep flowing back in.

What's the meaning of life?

Emo-tality

Ha... thought of this super lame statement that suits me well...

" Emo-tality ! Take It ! Its YOURSSSS !!!! "

Hah.

Haiz.

Running. Running away. Running away from what i'm want the most.

That's all i can do.

Time & time again i've done it.

Coward.

The fragments of time will never give me another chance.

For everything will be buried by memories.

Filling up this hole.

This houl in my soul.

Filling up with broken dreams.

But what can close up this hole?

What can stop the cracks from appearing?

Cynical & jaded.

Hypocrisy, phoniness and ugliness fills the world.

Blind myself.

Mask myself.

I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes.

Smile all day long.

I'm lost.

When will i ever make the way out of the darkness?

Where will that ever-guiding light be?

Whose hand will appear?

Wishful thoughts.

False hope.

Who can stop the darkness from corrupting my soul even further?

The silent scream.

Powerless.

Helpless.

The burden on my shoulders are getting heavier as time goes by.

When can i ever rest?

Maybe only in death...

emo

emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo

hah fuck it. why i do hanker after things that will never come my way.

hah.. talking to the taxi driver just now... just made me feel damn... down....

hahahaha. fucking hell.

these thoughts are stabbing me everyday... stabbing away at my heart.

an endless hell.

fuck it all. yea i shld just go fuck myself. i'm just one fucked up person. dun deserve any fucking thing.

pain is now officially my best frd... for my tears have dried up already.

fuck... i really dunno how to describe it anymore.. run out of words to describe already. really can't express it anymore. i really wanna kill myself soon.

So many times i feel disappointed. only to hide it all.

So many times i try... and only end up with nothing.

I need to learn that....even guardian angels can't stay with me forever...

Whoever said frds are forever is one big fucking liar... haha...

This world is already one big fucking joke in the first place.

Fakes smiles and crocodile tears are all i have left.

Don't pity me. Don't feel sad for me.

If you do... i'ld just rather you kill me.

i'm so fucked. wake up and i'm getting all emo again.

i just can't let go

Haywire

Ahhh haha... all my thoughts going haywire once again.

i really dunno what's on her mind. doing this. doing that. its driving me crazy. ah. seriously... whats up with her ??? why do this to me ??? she's got a bf already so no need to come tell me this stuff and that stuff .... heh .. maybe its just normal for her to do so.. but ah... wateva...

fuck it i really shldn't be bothered anymore since i made up my mind the other day to just leave it as it is. I juz wish she'd stop it sometimes and leave me alone.

haiz... somehow my emotions are going into overdrive recently...

good things just dun last long... they just drift away slowly... and before i know it.. i've lost it all once again. hah . life. my life....

K - Over

あの日見た夢の影が
夕焼けに伸びてる
ふと君がいるような気がして
僕は振り返るよ

いくつもの季節(とき)が
すべてを虚(うつ)ろにしてくけど
記憶の中の君は　現在(いま)も
優しく微笑(わら)ってる

諦めるよりも辛いよ
「失くすこと」に慣れちゃ
何もしない後悔より
…いっそ　打たれていたい
明日は強くなれるかな
今日の僕よりも
君も　何処かで微笑ってる
泣きたい時でも…きっと

傘を忘れたフリした
雨の帰り道は
やけに　二人　無口だったね
肩が濡れていたね

何度も触れた君の手を
握れなかったように
未来に君をさらわれてた
サヨナラさえ云えず

「変わること」を恐れながら
変わってゆく僕ら
忘れ去ってしまうのなら
…痛み　抱きしめたい
永遠より　もっと永く
瞬いていた日々
君に いつかまた逢うため
あの夢追うから…もっと

諦めるよりも辛いよ
「失くすこと」に慣れちゃ
何もしない後悔より
…いっそ　打たれていたい
明日は強くなれるかな
今日の僕よりも
君を　いつでも想ってる
誰かのものでも…ずっと

Romaji:
ano hi mita yume no kage ga
yuuyake ni nobiteru
futo kimi ga iru youna ki ga shite
boku wa furikaeru yo

ikutsumo no toki ga
subete wo utsuro ni shiteku kedo
kioku no naka no kimi wa ima mo
yasashiku waratteru

akirameru yori mo tsurai yo
“nakusu koto” ni narecha
nani mo shinai koukai yori
...isso utarete itai
ashita wa tsuyoku nareru kana
kyou no boku yori mo
kimi mo dokoka de waratteru
nakitai toki demo... kitto

kasa wo wasureta furi shita
ame no kaerimichi wa
yake ni futari mukuchi datta ne
kata ga nurete ita ne

nando mo fureta kimi no te wo
nigere nakatta youni
mirai ni kimi wo sarawareteta
sayonara sae iezu

“kawaru koto” wo osore nagara
kawatte yuku bokura
wasure satte shimau no nara
...Itami dakishimetai
eien yori motto nagaku
matataite ita hibi
kimi ni itsuka mata au tame
ano yume ou kara... motto

akirameru yori mo tsurai yo
“nakusu koto” ni narecha
nani mo shinai koukai yori
...isso utarete itai
ashita wa tsuyoku nareru kana
kyou no boku yori mo
kimi wo itsu demo omotteru
dareka no mono demo... zutto

English:
the shadow of that dream we saw that day
is spread across the sunset
It feels as if you are here
and I turn to look back

many times,
although everything begins to empty
you, in my memories, even now
are smiling gently

more painful than giving up
I've become used to losing things
more than doing nothing and regretting it
...I'd rather be beaten up
I wonder if tomorrow I'll be stronger
than the me of today
you are also somewhere smiling
even when I want to cry...surely

pretending that I forgot an umbrella
on the way back home in the rain
the two of us were silent and meek, weren't we?
our shoulders were drenched in rain

how many times, I've touched your hand
yet been unable to grasp it
I've carried you off to the future
not even saying "goodbye"

while fearing the changing happenings
we continue to change
if we completely forget it
... I want to tightly embrace the pain
much longer than eternity
winking at the days
for the sake of someday meeting you again
I will chase that dream...more and more

more painful than giving up
I've become used to losing things
more than doing nothing and regretting it
...I'd rather be beaten up
I wonder if tomorrow I'll be stronger
than the me of today
at all times, I am thinking of you
even when belonging to someone... a lot

now what did i want to write about... hm....

Shit. i forgot what i wanted to blog about. ahh just gonna write anything that comes over me now

argh

but i'm just super sian now.

i really really... wonder whether this life of mine has any meaning... whenever i look at it... there's nothing to be proud of....

i feel wasted. used. cheap... a failure.

i'm just someone not worth crying over for.

this world doesn't need me. nobody needs me.

i jsut lack the courage to kill myself.

if i ever get drunk or high enough.. maybe i would do it.

just no point living on. i can't see any point at all. seriously.

sometimes i really dun fucking care ... even though i know killing myself may cause some people to cry.. but so what? cause i dun even feel that i'm worth anything. i'm something that shouldn't have existed from the start.

If only i could wipe all the memories of myself from everybody... i can go in peace... no one would cry. my existence denied. my sadness would be over. problem solved ... :D

time and again... i seeked happiness.. only to be let down. played about. ah... its all tiring....

words of console from other people... doesn't reach my heart anymore. i know they're trying to help. but i just dun feel... anything... they're just words. no more no less. i dun feel glad that they're trying to help. instead... i only feel sadness... sigh.

Looks like i'm really giving up on happiness and only embracing sorrow... losing the feeling of what happiness really is. Addicted to sorrow? Maybe...

i realise i'm withdrawing even further now.. getting more and more detached from people... now i really am afraid.. i was for a short period able to.. say what was on my mind and heart.. but i think now... i'm on the point of no return... i'm never gonna open my heart up again. ever.

in the end... all those whom i open up to... drift further and further away from me... leaving me feeling sad. leaving me feeling extremely fucked up.just like a ship which loses its habour, cursed to sail on forever in the stormy seas... i'ld really rather not have the feeling of what having a habour is like in the first place. at least i won't be sad. nor will i be happy though

I look forward to the day that i can return to the darkness... but i'll live on now with tears...

Mistakes of Youth

Life is so strange.

Even though you're so fragile... others think you're strong

Even though you're hurting inside.... others still find and seek advice from you.

Even though you're so tired of being played around... you still play along with that person....

Haiz... i always tell people this and that.. but when it comes down to it.. i can't even do it myself...

I tell other people to screw those fuckers that play around with people.

But in the end i let myself get played. Willingly. Even though i know its wrong. Sigh. Just can't bring myself to screw that person. Too fucking soft hearted.

Sometimes i just want to scream it all out. Sometimes i just want a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes... i just want a hug.... but i only end up bottling everything.

Life is funny ey....

Colour Colour

Take the Magic: The Gathering 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

Bleach : Memories of Nobody

Hmm.... lets just say the bleach movie is.. erm.. not that fantastic la honestly...

but... the story is really very sad... Senna...

Having your very own existence constructed by others... not knowing who you exactly are...

ahhh fuck its getting me all emo... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

FUCK IT ALL.... AHHHH I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

>o<

You Are 32% Happy

You're not miserable, but you could stand to be a lot happier. Focus on what's right in the world, and you'll be happier than you ever thought possible.

How Happy Are You?

Yea life sux. Whenever i think i about the things i've done... i just can't help but hate myself.... so disgusted.

Never End

Dyed my hair red. Lost 135 bucks on MJ. Didn't get much sleep.

Ah.... although sometimes i try to keep myself occupied all the time... i just can't get these feelings out of me. These feelings of emptiness, regret, hate... all this negativity...

But something i didn't expect happened... Shawn told me on MSN recently that he had noticed i wasn't .... as happy as i seemed to be...

Wow.. the first time some one had noticed it ? Or perhaps others knew about it.. just that they didn't tell me..... Is it really quite obvious still... that i'm not happy ? Hm....

Sometimes i really dunno what to do with my life anymore... haha.... especially after hearing what fund said to me in the car yesterday... i think... yea... its really true... haha ... and yea.. the truth hurts. It really made me feel worse about myself.... Becoming something i never want to become.... ahh... i'm getting all confused....

I really hate long trips on the buses and trains... during this periods of time... there's nothing to do.. but think... and the more i think... the more... sad i get... sometimes to the point where i almost break down and cry... but i cant for fuck's sake cause its in public...

Hm.... yea to be honest... what i want.. can't never be acheived.... as i said before... expectations only seek to betray... so why have expectations in the first place...

Having no dreams.. no expectations... no hopes...then i won't fall... i won't get hurt... haha.... but i just can't stop myself from having this lingering hopes... like in Gurren-Lagann.. haha the human species naturally evolve to aim higher and higher.....

Yet at the same time.. i'm afraid. Afraid that once i get something i really want... i'll end up destroying it all....

"We should try to live a simpler life" .... if only it were that easy ....

Pessimism Overwhelming

Ok. While my mind is still thinking right. A message to everybody

Don't bother about me now. I'm just having my mood swings... getting all emo. Pls just ignore me.

Hopefully this time round it just doesn't descend into depression like the last time round...

The Last Straw

Goodbye Happiness.

I'll never indulge myself in anymore forms of chance, happiness or whatsoever anymore.

Quit Playing This FUCKING GAMES.

JUST FUCK OFF.