f

FUCK LIFE :D :D :D t(-_-t)

LIFE IS FUN... SIF ! FUCK FUCK FUCK

Life

Desert Rose
why do you live alone
if you are sad
I'll make you leave this life
are you white blue or bloody red
all I can see is drowning in cold grey sand

The winds of time
you knock me to the ground
I'm dying of thirst
I wanna run away
I dont know how to set me free to live
my mind cries out feeling pain

I've been roaming to find myself
how long have I been feeling endless hurt
falling down rain flows into my heart
in the pain I'm waiting for you
can't go back
no place to go back to
life is lost. Flowers fall
if its all dreams
now wake me up
If its all real
just kill me

I'm making the wall inside my heart
I don't wanna let my emotions get out
it scares me to look at the world
don't want to find myself lost in your eyes
I've tried to drown my past in grey
I never wanna feel more pain
run away from you without saying any words
what I dont wanna lose is love

Through my eyes time goes by like tears
my emotions losing the color of life
kill my heart
release all my pain
I'm shouting out loud
insanity takes hold over of me

Turning away from the wall
nothing I can see
the scream deep inside
reflecting another person in my heart
he calls me from within
"All existance you see before you must be wiped out:
Dream, Reality, Memories
and yourself"

I begin to lose control of myself
my lust is so blind, destroys my mind
nobody can stop my turning to madness
no matter how you try to hold me in your heart
why do you wanna raise these walls
I dont know the meaning of hatred
my brain gets blown away hearing the words of lies
I only want to hold your love

Stab the dolls filled with hate
wash your self in their blood
drive to the raging current of time
swing your murderous weapon into the belly
"the earth"
shout and start creating confusion
shed your blood for pleasure
and what? For love?
what am I supossed to do?

I believe in the madness called "Now"
past and future prison my heart
time is Blind
but I wanna trace my love
on the walls of time over pain in my heart

Art of life
insane blade stabbing dreams
try to break the truth now
but I can't heal this broken heart in pain
cannot start to live, cannot end my life
keep on crying

Close my eyes
time breathes I can hear
all love and sadness melt in my heart
dry my tears
wipe my bloody face
I wanna feel me living my life outside my walls

You can't drive of yesterday, so
you're painting your heart with your blood
you can't say "No"
only turning the wheel of time
with a rope around your neck
you build a wall of mortality and take a breath
from between the bricks
you make up imaginary enemies and are chased by them
you're trying to commit suicide
you're satisfied with your prologue
now your painting your first chapter black
you are putting the scraps of life together
and trying to make an asylum for yourself
you're hitting a bell at the edge of the stage and
you are trying to kill me

I believe in the madness called "Now"
time goes flowing, breaking my heart
wanna live
can't let my heart kill myself
still I haven't found what I'm looking for

Art of life
I try to stop myself
but my heart goes to destroying the truth
tell me why
I want the meaning of my life
do I try to live, do I try to love
in my dream

I'm breaking the wall inside my heart
I just wanna let my emotions get out
nobody can stop
I'm running to freedom
no matter how you try to hold me in your world
like a doll carried by the flow of time
I sacrificed the present moment for the future
I was inchains of memory half-blinded
losing my heart, walking in the sea of dreams

Close my eyes
rose breathes I can hear
all love and sadness melt in my heart
dry my tears
wipe my bloody face
I wanna feel me living my life
outside my mind

Dreams can make me mad
I can't leave my dream
I can't stop myself
don't know what I am
what lies are truth?
what truths are lies?

I believe in the madness called "Now"
time goes flowing breaking my heart
wanna live
can't let my heart kill myself
still I havent found what I'm looking for

Art of life
I try to stop myself
but my heart goes to destroying the truth
tell me why
I want the meaning of my life
do I try to live, do I try to love

Art of life
an Eternal Bleeding Heart
you never wanna breath you last
wanna live
can't let my heart kill myself
still I'm feeling for
a rose is breathing love
in my life

Art of Life - X Japan

Totally Bored..

Instrumental Gear

Drums: Yoshiki used a custom Artstar II "Titan Body" drumset with Zildjian cymbals. The layout consisted of one 10in. x 10in. Tom-Tom, one 11in. x 12in. Tom-Tom, one 12in. x 13in. Tom-Tom, one 13in. x 14in. Tom-Tom, one 16in. x 16in. Floor Tom-Tom, one 16in. x 18in. Floor Tom-Tom, one 6 1/2in. x 14in. Steel Snare Drum, two 16 x 24 Bass Drums, one 20in. Ride Cymbal, one 14in. Hi-Hat, two 20in. China Cymbals, and three 18 in. Crash Cymbals

Piano: Yoshiki played a Crystal II Glad Grand Piano CR-40A. The piano had 88 keys at 7 1/4 octaves with 3 pedals. The piano also had an Aliquot system with fine ivory white keys and fine ebony black keys. The piano has a translucent acrylic resin use and a private chair attachment. The piano had a height of 39 inches, a frontage of 58.5 inches, a depth of 72.2 inches, and a weight of 935 pounds. [1]

Yoshiki also has a custom Kawai Yoshiki Model piano. The specifications of the piano are unknown at this point.




Hm... just saw recent photos of him ( quite a few in fact ) and WTF.. 42 years old and no wrinkles and still looks as if he's in his 20s...

:D

Hi.Bye.Nothing to do.Can't Sleep.Waaakakakakaka.

Need to change specs >.<. Anyone got any gd lobang?

Might consider contacts.. but depends on price and availability.

Lasik.... hm.... 1.5k per eye... not cheap >.<" But its the best solution to go specs free...

Haunted ...

By the past. Just can't let go.

Emptiness....

doko ni yukebaii anata to hanarete
ima wa sugisatta toki ni toikakete
nagasugita yoru ni tabidachi wo yume mita
ikoku no sora mitsumete kodoku wo dakishimeta
nagareru namida wo toki no kaze ni kasanete
owaranai anata no toiki wo kanjite
DRY YOUR TEARS WITH LOVE
DRY YOUR TEARS WITH LOVE

LONELINESS YOUR SILENT WHISPER
FILLS A RIVER OF TEARS
THROUGH THE NIGHT
MEMORY YOU NEVER LET ME CRY
AND YOU, YOU NEVER SAID GOOD-BYE
SOMETIMES OUR TEARS BLINDED THE LOVE
WE LOST OUR DREAMS ALONG THE WAY
BUT I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D TRADE YOUR SOUL TO THE FATES
NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D LEAVE ME ALONE

TIME THROUGH THE RAIN HAS SET ME FREE
SANDS OF TIME WILL KEEP YOUR MEMORY
LOVE EVERLASTING FADES AWAY
ALIVE WITHIN YOUR BEATLESS HEART
DRY YOUR TEARS WITH LOVE
DRY YOUR TEARS WITH LOVE

nagareru namida wo toki no kaze ni kasanete
owaranai kanashimi wo aoi bara ni kaete
DRY YOUR TEARS WITH LOVE
DRY YOUR TEARS WITH LOVE
nagareru namida wo toki no kaze ni kasanete
owaranai anata wo toiki wo kanjite
DRY YOUR TEARS WITH LOVE
DRY YOUR TEARS WITH LOVE
DRY YOUR TEARS WITH LOVE
DRY YOUR TEARS WITH LOVE

If you could have told me everything
You would have found what love is
If you could have told me what was on your mind
I would have shown you the way
Someday I'm gonna be older than you
I've never thought beyond that time
I've never imagined the pictures of that life
For now I will try to live for you and for me
I will try to live with love, with dreams,
and forever with tears
- Tears, X Japan


Just watched an episode of an anime.. that's about to have quite tragic ending if i'm not wrong.... seeing the main character at this point of time ... i can't help but feel for him.

Life still seems meaningless. Can't help but think about it every now and then. Been trying to avoid it.. tried not to think about it.. but when it pops up in my head... i just feel... totally empty..

How nice it would be.. if you could have someone to share everything that u go thru....

But...can human beings be that close without rejecting each other?

Its like... are you able to share ur deepest and darkest secrets to the person closest to you without any fear of rejection?

Somehow... it seems impossible for me.. in the end... those i feel closest to just... slowly get further and further away from me somehow.. happened too many times in the past. Maybe i felt betrayed once too many times. That's why i've closed up.

People say that everybody has a soulmate... probably not me. Yet the hope lingers inside of me, wishing that someone would be there for you when you know that its not possible ...Ahhhh damn fucked up feeling. Always think of this kinda stuff during the late nights especially...

In your times of pain and sorrow.. no one's there for you... even in times of joy.. it still remains the same. Alone. Alone. Alone.

Someone mentioned that i should give people a chance instead of just thinking that no one will be able to accept me for what i am... but ... i dunno ... maybe i'm just withdrawn to my fate.. maybe i'm just too scared of the rejection again...

Thats why they call dreams.. dreams....

Miracles just don't exist in my life.

Death appeals to me... but how can it kill me when i'm already dead inside?

Blood Alone PICTURE SPAMMM

Hmm... just surfing and found the manga "Blood Alone"'s illustrator's blog/website.

Jap Vol.4 out on June 27th.. :D :D :D


Brief summary of the story :

Blood alone is definitely a captivating series, focusing on the relationship between a young vampire and a human living together...

Enter Misaki, the young vampire. Once a human whose family was good friends with Kuroe's, she was turned into a vampire after once very fateful night.. leaving her fate interwined with Kuroe's...Fine looking, and seemingly happy go lucky, however, yet deep within her, she's torn with guilt and fear, as she knows that she's the only burden that's holding Kuroe back from taking revenge...

Kuroe, a man deep running past with vampires. The current guardian of Misaki... much of his past is still unknown.. except for the fact that his older sister was abducted years ago by a vampire. The very same vampire who left Misaki to hold Kuroe back from hunting him down... And on that very night, as the vampire injured his eyes, he also attained the " Eyes of truth" that can see through all illusions. Swearing to hunt down the vampire who took away his sister, he attained skills to hunt down vampires, .. but hasn't been able to do so due to him being unable to abandon Misaki...

With such a background story... you can only wonder what their futures will turn out to be like... what sacrifices will they have to make in the end to attain their goals? Or will they just live on in their current states? The internal struggles of their hearts, the diminishing hopes of a bright future....

Bleah... crappy summary by me. But this is a series that i really like. Just oozes with the word " Tragedy" and "Bittersweet" all over it.

One scene i loved was when Kuroe and Misaki were in the swimming pool at around midnight ( swimming obviously )... in the gaze of a cresent moon... Kuroe carried Misaki up in the middle of the pool and then said " Someday... lets go to the beach! ". That scene was just so touching... knowing that it would never be possible for her to go to the sea during the day.. ( who'ld want to go to the sea to swim at night?? ).

OKOK i'm getting too crazy over this. so nuff said. now its time for the picture spam !!

My dream house

Quotes

"Be happy when you can, be angry when you are, and cry if you feel like it, Keeping it into yourself hurts you more than how you expected it to hurt you at all."

~ Rosette Christopher (Chrono Crusade)

"Everyone seems to be so concerned about the question of truth. But why? Why are people always concerned with it? Is the true always right, and the false always wrong?"

~ Rey Za Burrel ( GSD )

"Suspicion, ignorance, prejudice, and other negative emotions are released to the loved ones. If love is the light of thoughts, would these be its shadows? Difference will brings anxiety, and soon evolves into hatred and opposition."

~ Rau Le Creuset ( GS )

Who do you suppose decided that the birds are free? Even if they can fly the skies, unless they have a destination and a branch upon which to perch and rest their wings, they might even come to resent having those wings. True freedom… true freedom may be having somewhere to return to.

~ Komyo Sanzo ( Saiyuki )

Kill the Buddha as you see Him. Kill the father as you meet Him. Never be captivated by anyone, just live as yourself in the way you are.

~ Genjo Sanzo ( Saiyuki )

Left-o Right-o Keep up the tempo ~~

Are you a left or right brain person ?


First, identify yourself as right or left brainperson:

1. Hold your hands together, as if you were praying.
Look at your hands. If you see

Left thumb is below the right thumb ---> left brain
Right thumb is below the left thumb ---> right brian

2. Fold your arms in front of you (as if you are
angry)

Right arm above left arm ---> left brain
Left arm above right arm ---> right brain

Based on 1+ 2 (order important), below is the
interpretation of your personality:

Right-Left
==========
Considerate, traditional, indirect type

can instinctly read other's emotion, and respond
friendly by natures. Although not very into
taking intiatives in moving forward, but this person
will always take a step back in supporting
others. Stable personality and considerate, give
others a being protected feeling. But the
weakness is they cannot say no; regardless how
unwilling they are, they will take care of others.

Right-Right
===========
Loves challenges type

Straightfoward. Once they decided on one thing, will
take action right away. Very curious, and
love challenges. Dare to face dangers without
thinking through (sometimes foolishly). Their
weakness is they dont listen to others, will filter
in only what whey want to hear in a
conversation, and very subjective. However, because
of their straightforward attitude, they tend
to be fairly popular.

Left-Left
=========
Dedicated, cold, perfectionist

Very logical in all aspects. The only way to defeat
(or win over) him/her is through reasons. Has
a lot of prides, and feeling strongly about doing
the right thing. If they are your friends, they
are very trustworthy. However, if they are your
opponets, they will be very tough to deal with.
Because they can be very "anal" as a perfectionist,
they usually leave a bad impression of being
hard to deal with when first met.


Left-Right
==========
Likes to take care of others, leader type

Has a cool and keen observation ability to see
through situations, yet still can be considerate in
others needs. Because of their cool and calm nature,
and strong sense of responsibility, they tend
to become head of a group. Popular among people.
However, they may not be able to help themselves
in meddling because they want to take care of others
too much. Very concerned about how others
view them, and always on alert.

Funny / Cosplay pictures from Japan

Funny story about dicks in Japan

"The festival thing and display of KKJ is known as the Kanamara Matsuri held in Kawasaki Prefecture in Japan.

BTW, the KKJ is revered as a symbol of fertility. There's a shinto story behind the Kanamara Matsuri as well where a devil fell in love with a beautiful virgin and wanted to marry her, but she refused to marry the devil.

The devil damn du lan so he become very small and den snuck in the woman's cheesepie sitting there, and the next man the woman marry and on the night of the piak-piak, the devil the moment see the man's KKJ jit tao snap the man's KKJ off with 1 bite. This happened many times until the woman abit pek chek cos all the man who marry her and tried to piak her get their KKJ bitten off by the demon.

So there's this very clever man (some sources say its a monk) who suggested making a KKJ outta solid steel and den make the woman spread eagle and den poke the Steel KKJ into the woman's cheesepie, the demon thought the woman going to get piak again tried to bite the KKJ off but succeeded in breaking all his teeth only.

The demon den left the woman's cheesepie and end of story."

Damn kok story.. dunno if its true or not

Masks

Sick and tired. All the lies. All the pretense.

I expect too much from this world.

Maybe i just expect this world to be more perfect. But it can never be true.

Maybe i just expect people to be more true to each other. But it will never be.

Truth become lies and lies become the truth.

I gave myself some hope, only to fall even further.

Maybe putting this mask on is killing me even further...

Acting as if nothing is wrong.. Acting as if i'm happy... and then people just dig deeper into my wounds.

Time for me to close up again.. i don't wanna be hurt no longer.... it'ld be best if i could just reject my own godamned existence.

Fuck it i'm a weakling.

Just let me be alone for a while.

Which Bleach captain are you ?

You scored as Ichimaru Gin, You're Ichimaru Gin, Captain of the Third Division!
There's something that twists the insides of people when you smile in that certain, creepy way. You also might have a few people that you get to do your 'dirty work' for you. After all, it's easier to look uninvolved and keep your hands clean while you pull strings behind the scenes!

Hitsugaya Toushirou		92%
Ichimaru Gin		92%
Aizen Sousuke		83%
Kyouraku Shunsui		75%
Kurotsuchi Mayuri		75%
Zaraki Kenpachi		67%
Kuchiki Byakuya		67%
Komamura Sajin		58%
Soi Fong		42%
Tousen Kaname		42%
Unohana Retsu		42%
Yamamoto Genryuusai		42%
Ukitake Jyuushiro		0%

Which of the Thirteen Division Captains (from Bleach) are you?
created with QuizFarm.com



wahh.... tie between 2 captains >.<" need tie breaker question also >.<

BAAANNNNKAAAAIIIII

Wah seh. Roxy roxy roxy 2 days.

Thursday aka yesterday :

5 containers came in..... For those who know.... i bet u'll go WTF ... i helped out with 3 containers.

And i remember.. at around 3.30 pm... started on the last container to clear... and it was the light tissue packs ( forgot the number liao ) that we saw..

" Ey ok la.. this one all light ones.. can clear fast " ... Ohhhh how wrong i was....

... then after clearing 5 rows of walls of it... the rest of the container was the legendary "dolphin" boxes... wakakakaka... those who've done it.. i believe you can understand the feeling liao.. at around 4pm.. seeing the "dolphin" boxes after already moving 2 containers... :D :D :D T_T T_T T_T

And also on this very same day... Mr. Bankai came along and owned all of us. ( Name shall be left out for privacy's sake ) . WAkakaka wear a headband liddat..... started moving all the stuff also .

"我来教你们着么搬货。。。 你们看就可以了” crazy uber bankai mode. And at his age ... >.<" ROXY ROXY Oh and the "dolphin" container was the last container to clear... so almost all the manpower ( 5-6 ppl ) went into it except 3 others who were doing the other containers . ULTIMATE BANKAIIII CLEAR IN 1 HR !!!! Wahahahahaha... worked in a process of 3 areas. Start with ppl taking boxes from the rows and passing to the ppl at the entrance ( inside )of the container who then created a few rows like a conveyor belt... machiam passing ammo liddat.. then the ppl below take the boxes and stack em on the pallets just outside the entrance. Oh ho ho.. mad mad mad day.

Just when i thought can rest... tada.. streeetttt soccerrrrr....

And then... thanks to fund's training just before street soccer.. my arms became super roxy tight..

then see the street soccer court booked already then sian... luckily got another court.

I'm damn unfit la.. yet luckily for those FATS of mine... the ZAM FUCKING HARD SHOT from that person didn't leave a mark on me.. though it was quite pain..

And wakakakakaka after that.. the "orange / bronze / copper / watever color it is" flash reached a new record. 1-8-5 KM/H . try putting ur face out of the window with that speed >.<"

Wakakaka and so today ( Friday ) afternoon.. when i woke up ard 12noon.. my body was in a condition machiam like my arms are paralysed.. can't straighten ... can't bend much .. due to last night's training. Felt .... "very happy". My back was also unable to straighten properly at first...

As for the rest of the day er.... some interesting things happened but i shall not say cause it may cause me to be grounded if anyone finds out. wahahahahaha

Time for me to grow super evil and thrash you kiddos in 1 mth ( at least :P ) ... WAHAHAHAHAHAHA

So.. which sushi are you ?

My score on The "What Sushi Are You?" Test:


Niji Urimaki
(65% Adventurousness, 41% Complexity, 45% Heartiness)

Niji Urimaki (Rainbow Roll) - An inside-out roll with a lot going for it... And in this case a lot of different lovely slices of fish, wrapped around sushi rice, cucumber and radish sprouts. No, it's not traditional, but it satisfies your craving for a new experience with every bite. Salmon, tuna, breem, mackerel, snapper, shrimp, and halibut all have a place in this spread of tastes. Some might call you "indecisive," but why settle for less than a little of everything?

Link: The "What Sushi Are You?" Test
(OkCupid Free Online Dating)

sv_sensitivity -100000000 NUMB THIS FUCKING PAIN !!!

Hm.... where to start off... its been quite a fucked up day for me i guess... on a personal level.

Hypocrites are taking over the world ... including myself. Some people use it to survive. Some people use it to deceive. Some... just are one for the sake of being one. I certainly can't put my fucking sad / depressed face up in front of ppl all the time...

Dunno if i'm being oversensitive or what ... but i just can't help but people put up masks in front of me...Honestly i'm feeling quite sick with all this already.... just feel like giving it all up at times.

One moment they can be buddy buddy with me.. the next moment... either a 3rd party "hints" to me, or he/she scolds me in the face that i've done something wrong and doesn't explain to me what i did wrong.. yet afterwhich he/she can immediately still seem buddy buddy with me. Seems to be quite some stuff going on behind the curtains that i don't know about. But once again.. maybe i'm being over sensitive here.

Then i dunno what went wrong with me today. Went ... into a strange mode. Just as if i was another person. Talking strange things. Trying to do strange things. And i knew it all the time.

Maybe its the crazy side of me that's been bottled up too long.

Feel that sometimes i'm really losing my self identity.. like i dunno who .. or what i am anymore... no sense of self.. just .. reacting. Reacting as how i should be like. No sense of pride, confidence.. or assurance in any decision i make. Like i can't put my heart into anything anymore.. Don't even know what i want anymore.

People say .. " Follow your heart " ... but for me.. i can only analyse the situation... and then see what i can make out of the situation. There's always at least 2 opinions... the angel and the devil. Either i do good and make ppl happy... or i try to make myself get into a situation where i can benefit the most out of it .. yet at the expense of other people... and i tend to do so. I really hate this part of me... wanting to make use of people and build on their sorrow.

I know some people will say " Nobody is totally innocent / pure in this world " ... but for me.. it just comes as something that i really hate ... Maybe perfectionism is at work here.. ( Virgos -_-) And yes... i'm slow to catch on to things.. and i hate it also

That personality disorder test is becoming more and more accurate in my eyes.... I should be having Avoidant Personality Disorder i guess...

Maybe i should just shun the world and live in one of my own. Ignorance is bliss afterall.

Reminds me of the manga N.H.K .. when Misaki mentioned about hermits/NEETS/Hikkikomoris : " ... Is because they don't dare to do anything that tests their self worth .... such as relationships, exams, challenges, etc"

Maybe i'm just too afraid of know that i'm a worthless fucked up person. Maybe thats why i don't want to get close to anyone. Maybe thats why i don't want to do anything. The truth is always cruel after all.


Random thoughts of the day:

Death works 2 ways. You can live on forever in ppl's hearts and leave your legacy behind. Or accept death as an erasure of your puny existence.

For me.. i more than welcome it anytime in my life now. Better come now while i still haven't changed my mind

X Japan Reunion

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=73874

Hm.... to be honest.. i'm happy and excited on one hand.. yet upset on another.. Yoshiki's been so hurt by Hide's death.. and ever since that incident... the scars within his heart have still not healed... yet now he's tearing the scar wide open again ?

I dun really believe the article mentioning about the " ..... After an emotional recording session, the two felt that "the puzzle pieces just fit," and decided to officially reunite the band......" part. Yoshiki has mentioned on his blog that its been so painful for him.. how can it just all fall in like that ? The article mentions that they decided to re-unite since Nov 06... but yoshiki mentioned this about his scars in his blog on Feb 24th... Quite contradicting don't you all think ?

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&amp;amp;amp;friendID=14155082&blogID=234220231&MyToken=4cf7f7e9-4e6d-4a3a-8558-871355fdf0e7

In any case ...I dunno whether he's reuniting the band for the sake of the fans.. or finally as a proof that he can move on after Hide's death.. its been 9 years already.. maybe he's decided its time for him to move on.. and face reality. Its really hard for scars to heal... time can't just heal everything...

Awaiting Yoshiki to make an official comment on this reunion.... if its for the sake of the fans then fuck it.. i'm not gonna support this reunion.

Good things never last

Gd things never last. Just a random thought that came across my mind today. Can't look forward to the future which is unknown and dark... and i dun wanna look back.... just wishing that "now" never ends...

Maybe i'm starting to go back to the old days... those dark days... turning back into my old self....

Ok now i'm wtf pwned ... Personality Disorder Test

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Ok.... now i'm really WTF..... i think i'm really fucked... and yes i answered truthfully ... I think people better start avoiding me :D :P

Boring Sunday

Ahh finally my relatives who came from malaysia have gone back. ( Came 2 days ago btw ). MY ROOM IS MINE AGAIN.. MWAHAHAHA

And i'm bored.... totally bored... Decided to finally use the 30gb Ipod i won in the lucky draw ( 1st prize wakaka ) 2 years ago from army... Base Anniversary.. lol...

Ah yes and i finally am picking up on Yoshiki's " Without You " On the piano.. now listening to the mp3 and reading the score sheet as i play...

Anyway.. with regards to Wed night ... I really wanna thank ticky, alan and fund. Although it was a disastrous night in their terms.. but at least it was something new to me :D Haha next time got chance then see how bah... Just remind me never ever ever ever to go again on the eve of a public holiday + wed night... madness...

Speaking of which.. i chanced upon the OPs and EDs MP3s for Blood+ ... and wow .. its nice... Expanding my MP3s list quite fast...

Random Thoughts from the Past

Did a little packing and stumbled across a piece of paper.... Depression for 2-3 months + is not funny....

Some of my thoughts during my darkest days in my life ( Actually too much ) :

How do you turn bloodlust and rage into something positive?

How can you attain redemption and salvation ... when there's no one to turn to ?

Human beings are just so weak , they just can't survive alone.

Those feelings of rejection, the feeling of being unwanted... Yet i still have to be the great pretender.

Never being able to smile from the bottom of my heart, never having a mind of my own.

Other other feelings except rage and anger , overwhelming and consuming me.

Try as i might , i can never fight this demon within my heart.

So lost , So dishearterned. Dis-illusioned.

The more i seek the answers, the further i fall. In this never ending pit , the vicious cycle of life, communication, empathy and rejection is leaving me bewildered.

Why do i exist?

What is the answer?

I don't know. Maybe it just doesnt exist.

Maybe i just don't want to admit that there's no meaning to it.

The more i try to climb out of the pit, the further i fall back in.

Empty, Darkness , Despair , Negativity. Acting like nothing is wrong.

Yet this hands will never hold anything.

Losing my sanity, losing my heart.

It's so sad when only death recognises your existence.

Looking forward to my death to end this pain. Yet the question still remains.. Why do i exist?

Why must life be like that ? Shouldn't life be something more?

The empty void within me.

Why must we suffer? Why must we live? Its just as though i have no meaning to live , yet no reason to die.

These feelings haunt me day and night.

No happiness, only sadness and hatred.

Try as i might to ignore these feelings, i've already reached the bottle neck.

It's all boiling over. Unable to contain it anymore.

The desire for the answer to these questions.

My uselessness.

My ability to think is a double-edged sword. I know more than i should.

Things that i shouldn't know. I just can't take it any longer. My heart aches. No one to turn to.

No one to understand me. Why do i live to experience only darkness , pain and suffering?

I cannot see the light. The bonds of life are fading away. Who can help me?

Who can answer these questions?

The urge to die is consuming me.

Yet i'll still never find the answers doing so.

Why must life be this way. Why must i live under this feelings of hatred?

I hate my life. And i can never get out of this pit. I just lack the courage to die. (?)

Life is pathetic. I'm just so tired. Questions, pain, suffering. I've really have had enough of being the great pretender.


Hmmmm i remember i was intending this to be my suicide letter some time back when i got extremely depressed... and i wrote a few more pages worth of quotes and stuff... but i think i've either 1)left them in my medical centre during my army days 2) thrown em away. Just decided to write this up here... to look back on those days.. ( And actually the paper i wrote all of this on is rotting away... ). I remember even doing a analysis of the vicious cycle of negativity and suicide...

I think now what i'm trying to do is just to escape.. escape from all this negativity .. escape from my own darkness.. from my own mind... but i know that one day it'll all come back and haunt me. I don't know whether i can take another round of it... Maybe by then i'll have found someone to confide into ? Haha.. just maybe it'll never come true.

And SCREW OD*X , SCREW AV*S. NOW I CAN'T BLOODY GET MY FUCKING "CARTOONS" IN PEACE.

ROX ROX GOOD DESCRIPTION

My pirate name is:

Black Morty Kidd

Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

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